Friday, July 13, 2007

Sucky Summer Music

I don't know what the deal is this summer, but most of the music I have heard on the radio lately has made me want to yank my car stereo out and throw it out the window onto the freeway. Am I just getting old and crabby and completely out of touch? Or am I right in thinking that the past few months have given us a crop of songs so ridiculously horrible that I might be put off listening to commercial radio stations forever?

I think I have sufficiently bitched about Rihanna and her fucking "Umbrella", so we'll let her off the hook for today.

But let's talk about how much Gym Class Heroes make me want to scream. First of all, there's that "Take a look at my girlfriend" song. Absolutely nothing is more annoying than the opening, "Ba ba da da!" of that song, and it doesn't help that my idiot brother has been walking around the house singing-no, SCREAMING-that for most of the summer. And then the song doesn't even make any fucking sense!! The entire song is about how wonderful his new girlfriend is and how much he loves her, but then the chorus is "Take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one I got, not much of a girlfriend, never seem to get a lot". And I realize that it's just an excuse to use a portion of an old song, but Jesus Christ, if you look at your girlfriend and think, "Not much of a girlfriend", then no, jackass, she's probably NOT the one from you. And the lyrics are even worse. If baking pancakes and giving you Alka-selzer and having her own ringtone and sitting on the phone with you for three hours "not saying one word" (then what the fuck are you doing on the goddamn phone?!) are all the things that equal love in your book, then wow, I bet you fall in love CONSTANTLY. 'Cause in my book "love" might actually take some trust, or understanding, or intelligent conversation, or honesty, or, I don't know, pretty much anything other than baking stupid pancakes! Is it supposed to be a joke? Like maybe the point of the song is that we're all supposed to laugh because Cupid has caused him to fall in love and become part of a completely unimpressive, idiotic relationship? I'd like to think that that's the case, but no, I just think this band is just mentally challenged.

Hence the title of their newest song, "Clothes Off", which includes the lyris, "We have to take our clothes off to have a good time." Not, "Hey, this has been the perfect night and if we had hot sex, that would make it even better." That would be somewhat acceptable. But no, here is a song telling the world at large that we HAVE to take our clothes off to have a good time. We also have to party all night. Because apparently, it's impossible to have a good time with clothes on. Anytime in your life you thought you were having fun with your clothes on, well, you were wrong about that. Because you can only have a good time if you're naked, according to the Gym Class Heroes. I really don't think I'm a prude, but I have to admit that I cringe every time this song comes on the radio thinking about all the fourteen year old girls that are going to decide that this should be their theme song for Summer 2007.

And then there's T-Pain. Someone tell fuckin' T-Pain that the word "drank" is not a noun. Someone cannot buy you a drank, jackass. And maybe there are people in the world that find his use of the word "drank" to be cute or funny or even cool, but I just think it's ignorant.
Also, someone needs to tell him to stop falling in love inappropriately with service professionals. First he was in love with a stripper, and now in his latest song he's in love with the bartender. As a bartender myself, I can pretty much guarantee T-Pain that the bartender is not loving him back, not at all. She's just flirting with him as she pours his Patron (or Hennessey, or Hypnotiq, or Grey Goose, because let's not forget that if you're a male rapper that's all you're allowed to drink) because she's not an idiot, she wants the biggest tip possible. She's definitely not going back to his "spot" after the bar closes. And also, T-Pain needs to be aware that if he's in love with her, every other guy at the bar is, too, and she can probably find someone much better looking than him. Preferably someone that knows how to spell "drink".
Oh, and the lyrics to this particular song include the oh-so-brilliant, "She gave us drinks to drink, we drunk them, got drunk." Fuck, T-Pain! That is when you can properly use the word "drank"! "She gave us drinks to drink, we drank them, got drunk." But no. You are wrong, AGAIN. Someone really should have taught T-Pain how to conjugate verbs before they let him be on the radio.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to give myself a heart attack if I continue. Somebody send me some good music recommendations, PLEASE. At this point, I am willing to try anything that won't make me want to punch people in the face.

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