Ha!

Did anyone else see Britney Spears on the VMAs last night? I didn't, actually, because I was too busy using my FREE ticket to the press night of an awesome production at a theater in City A and then enjoying free food and mango mojitos at the reception afterwards, but anyway.* I watched the video on the internet right now and wow, did that SUCK or what? I mean, not that anyone is actually surprised by this because the girl sucked back in 1999 when we were all supposed to be duped into thinking she actually had the skills, and her complete and utter lack of any substantial talent has finally been revealed. Plus she has just been a hot mess for months now and, frankly, I feel sort of sorry for her.

But I have to admit that it's kind of fun--fun in a very mean way--to watch the video and remember when she had a rockin' body and realize that at this moment my body is better than hers. I think that even right now her body is fine (the only reason we're all going "Whoa, Brit, what happened?" is because she used to be unnaturally thin and fit) but it's kind of satisfying to realize that my abs are currently better than Britney Spears'. So yeah, yeah, I haven't given birth to two children. And I don't have the boobs she is currently sporting, but I wasn't born with the cleavage gene and, um, boobs that big are either fake or body fat. [Yes, boobs, are pretty much just fat. Just in case you didn't know that. Which of course you did, although try telling that to a room full of guys. How guys can love boobs but simultaneously bitch about girls with chubby stomachs/butts/thighs is beyond me because, hello punks, BOOBS ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF FAT, TOO! Be consistent! If you like boobs, then you'd better like thighs, hips, and ass, because 95% of the time you don't get one without all the others. Not in nature, anyway. And big can be very beautiful, so I wish guys would realize that if they like big boobs then they need to accept all that comes along with them. Oy. Can you tell I'll take a leg man over a boob man any day of the week? I just think leg guys are more reasonable in general. That and, um, no boobs here, remember? So it's not like I attract the boob men anyway. Okay, done with my rant.]
Where was I? Oh, yes, Britney at the VMAs. All I'm saying is that if she can dance (or, uh, sway awkwardly) on national TV in her underwear, then maybe I should spend the rest of this warm weather spell strutting around in a bikini. Suddenly I'm feeling like if she can be half-naked on stage, then ALL of us should be embracing our bodies right now and going, "Hmmm, I'm just as hot as she is. At this point, probably hotter! And at least half the country isn't judging me on the internet."

*This is one of the many times that I really hate that I decided to go as anonymous as possible, because I would love to write a whole entry about this play but then readers could google it and find out my location and blah, blah, blah. I don't think anyone actually cares that much about tracking me down and 90% of you are people who know me in real life and know exactly where I am anyway, but still. Better to be safe than sorry.