Road Trip Conversation

The scene: our car, two hours into a four hour drive, rural countryside.

Penn: So, I have a question for you. You know those high speed bullet trains, like in Japan?
Me: I can already tell this is one of those random hypothetical situations you're always coming up with.
Penn: You have to think about something!
Me: I know, but the hypotheticals you think about are always very different from the hypotheticals I think about in my downtime.*
Penn: Or most people think about, I know. But anyway, say you're a bullet train barreling along at 190 miles per hour and a cow walks into your path.
Me: Does the train vaporize the cow?
Penn: That's what I want to know!
Me: I am almost positive you've asked me this question before.
Penn: I probably have. I think about it sometimes, especially when I'm near a train track. I'm really curious. I want to know.

* My hypotheticals: What would I say if X thing happened? What would I remodel in our house with Y amount of money?
My husband's hypotheticals: let's just say the above is the tip of the iceberg.

Help for Domestic Abuse

I've had nothing to say here for three weeks. It has been a very difficult three weeks to wrap my brain around. Everything has been strange. My sister-in-law was hospitalized for a long time. Now she's finally out of the hospital and on her way to what appears will be a full recovery, which is nothing short of miraculous. That's the good news that finally came about this week. However, Penn was with her for a week at the beginning and then he had to come home abruptly and against his will due to family drama that is still ongoing. And at first that had my adrenaline up and my heart pumping and yet I felt hopeful that all of the drama would lead to a positive change for his extended family, but now I feel utterly deflated and I just wish (for Penn's sake even more than for my own) that the situation was working out differently.

And now, a public service announcement that has been rattling around in my head for weeks and has been blocking me from being able to post here. I couldn't figure out how to post about it, but I HAVE to post about it. Forgive me when I inevitably ramble.

I am watching someone I care about seemingly choose an abusive man over people who love and care about her. Short of dealing with a friend's battles with anorexia and alcoholism, this is probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to witness (in fact, this is possibly equally difficult, since there is the exact same feelings of helplessness and confusion about why the person can't see the truth of her situation and make it stop). I know that a general understanding in society is that you need to "stand by your man." That "true friends" are not in fact true friends if they do not respect your significant other. I understand that impulse. As a newlywed myself, my instinct is to trust my husband, to stand by him and support him even if for some reason nobody else will. We're all taught that our life partner is our soul mate, our safety net, our best friend, our sounding board. The person you marry is supposed to be the one person you never have to doubt, the one person who will always take care of you, no matter what.
But when does that "stand by your man" mentality need to be put aside? I like to think that I could never be blinded by my love for Penn. I am so incredibly blessed to have a husband who is, in fact, my best friend, my safety net, my sounding board, my greatest supporter, and someone who respects me even more than I respect myself. I am blessed to have a husband whom my family loves and approves of and whom my friends think is just as fantastic as I think he is. But what if I wasn't that lucky? What if I was constantly having to defend my spouse to my family and my friends, pointing out that they don't really know him like I do, that he's not so bad, that he loves me but just has a strange way of showing it. At what point, in other words, are the words of friends and family enough to make you reconsider your marriage--your biggest decision, your entire life? Can friends and family ever do enough to turn you against a spouse? I like to think that I would listen to my father and my mother or my grandparents or my sister or brother or my best friends if they were telling me that my husband was bad for me and that I needed to protect myself and do the brave thing and end things. I also know, though, that it would be an incredibly hard decision to make, especially if underlying it all was a certain level of fear of that husband and what he might do if I did walk out the door.

I think the answer to, "Can friends and family ever do enough to turn you against a spouse?" is no. A woman needs to decide on her own when enough is enough. I don't have to respect my friend's spouse (and in this case I definitely do not), but I have to respect her decision to stay with him, should she choose to do so, regardless of how heartbreaking that may be for her family and friends who have to watch a man dominate and control a beautiful, loving, caring woman under the guise of love and marriage. All I can do is hope and pray that she'll figure out a plan for her life that gives her peace and true happiness (ALL of the time, not just on rare "good days.") And if that means staying in her marriage, then so be it. I feel I have a good understanding of the bonds and commitment of marriage. I also understand that I can never truly judge someone else's marriage and dynamic. It may not be what I would ever want for myself or for my potential future daughters, but hers are not my shoes to walk in. I keep hoping that when the time is right she'll make the strong (but scary and hard) decision for herself and her children and get out of a volatile and dangerous situation. I also know that she may never do that, and I may never understand why. There are all sorts of reasons that intelligent and promising women end up with abusive men, and there are all sorts of ways in which abusive men can keep up the appearance of being worth the pain and suffering.

I know my friend isn't the only one in an abusive relationship. I know there are thousands, probably millions of women out there in "marriages" that make a sham of the very word, marriages that are grounded on fear and intimidation and control and shame instead of on love and trust and respect and honor (and that's trust, respect, and honor for BOTH parties).

And it should go without saying, but domestic abuse is defined by so much more than physical violence. If any of the below sounds like your relationship or the relationship of someone you know, please know that it is NOT normal. It is not normal or acceptable in ANY sort of marriage. Do not say, "Well, I have friends that are treated this way..." because those friends are being abused, too. There are relationships in the world (many of them) in which none of the things on the list below EVER happen. You deserve a better, safer, happier life. There are places to get the help and protection you need to bridge the gap between the life of fear and shame and the life of security and peace. It may feel helpless right now, but if you can take the first step of seeking help to get out of the situation, people WILL step forward and help you by making plans and getting you to permanent safety. Getting out of the abusive situation will be a long walk down a hard road. There will be a lot of fear and sadness and maybe, at times, regret. But the act of leaving an abuser at least potentially has a happy ending. Life with an abuser does not.

Read the list. Pass it along. Take care of yourselves.

Signs That You Are in an Abusive Relationship:
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do You:
Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behavior

Does Your Partner

Humiliate or yell at you?

Criticize you and put you down?
Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
Ignore or put down your opinions or your accomplishments?
Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner's Violent Behavior or Threats
Does Your Partner
Have a bad and unpredictable temper?

Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
Force you to have sex?
Destroy your belongings?
Your Partner's Controlling Behavior
Does Your Partner
Act excessively jealous and possessive?
Control where you go or what you do?
Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Constantly check up on you?

It is Still Abuse If:
The incidents of physical abuse seem minor compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn't a "better" or "worse" form of abuse.
The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred once or twice in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to assault you.
The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire to, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

There is much more information here, where I accessed the list above:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline can be reached here:
1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or at www.thehotline.org

Hope

My sister-in-law is currently performing against the odds. She had brain surgery this morning and the doctor seemed happy with the outcome. They were able to take her off the ventilator this afternoon and she's still very sedated and doped up but is responsive and even talking a little bit. She can apparently respond to simple commands from the doctors, like holding up the number of fingers they ask her to hold up. She recognized her husband and Penn, and even talked to them a little bit (they have her strapped to the bed right now because in her groggy state she keeps trying to remove all of her wires and tubes, and Penn said that she offered to pay him if he would undo the straps. So that's definitely a good sign.). Tomorrow as she becomes more aware of her surroundings they'll start a bunch of tests to see how she stands as far as physical and mental function. There's still so much she needs to overcome, but we're all encouraged by how well she seems to be doing so far. There are so many reasons to be hopeful, but she's not out of the woods yet and it's still really scary.
It's weird being in a limbo position here. I know I'm more helpful here where I can actually take care of the house and the pets and earn money, but it really sucks not being with my husband to offer physical support and to help him deal with his family. And it especially sucks having all of this up in the air. You know I hate not knowing what will happen next, and right now the options for what might happen next are so huge. Being at a hospital far from home would be useless right now, and I (selfishly) would rather not be with Penn's family in such a high stress situation where I know I would just feel awkward and in the way, but it feels so frustrating being here home alone, too.
Ugh. I have to write a midterm for my students to take tomorrow. Life goes on. I'll probably stop writing about this situation here since it's not really my trauma and talking about my minor role in it just feels selfish. But I couldn't just leave yesterday's post hanging without some kind of update. So that's that. Moving off this topic until I have something definitive (and good, hopefully) to say about it.

Worrying About the Wrong Thing

I was going to use my free time today to write up a happy blog post reminiscing about my wedding and honeymoon, but I don't think I'm going to be able to do that today after all.

While I was on my honeymoon I read a memoir by a woman whose daughter was born several months early and had a roller coaster ride of a journey in the NICU. It was a well-written memoir, and I related to the author because, like me, she's a worrier by nature. She had humorous lists about things she had worried about in her life and then wrote of more serious worries she had when she became pregnant. But the thing that struck me most was a passage in which she said--and I'm paraphrasing here--"I worried about the wrong things." In the end, it turned out that she had worried about everything except what actually ended up happening. That came out of the blue and left her completely unprepared.
I'm feeling like that right now. As long as I have known Penn he has worried about his sister, and as I got to know him and her I began carrying those worries as well. She's a great person who has had a challenging life for a variety of reasons, and since Penn is very close to her he's intimately familiar with her ups and downs. So for some time now we've been worried about elements of her daily life, trying to walk the fine line between meddling in her marriage and helping when and how we can. Just recently things had come to a head over a particularly dicey situation, to the point where Penn met with our pastor to get some moral guidance on how to handle it (to continue with vague descriptions, she had asked for his formal recommendation for something that he didn't ethically feel he could support, but he was equally afraid to damage their close relationship by not giving her the support she requested).
So we've been talking a lot about his sister over the past couple of weeks and trying to figure out what we should do and, as always, what move would be most helpful to her. And then last night we got a phone call from her husband telling us that she'd had a brain aneurysm. She hemorrhaged for a long time before they finally got the bleeding under control and then they airlifted her to a hospital in a big city several hours from her home. Penn and his mom caught the first flight from here to that city this morning so that they can be with her. I was doing my best to help Penn focus on best-case scenarios, but of course I'm scared. I couldn't help googling things like "brain aneurysm prognosis" and Dr. Google assures me of what I already knew: aneurysms are bad. Very, very bad.
So, I was worrying about the wrong thing this whole time. Of all the things I feared might happen to my sister-in-law, I sure as hell never imagined that she would have a brain aneurysm. Even I couldn't have come up with that fear.
It's way too early to know what's going to happen. I'm trying to focus on the fact that she survived long enough to make it to the hospital in her small town and to the big city hospital. Apparently 15% of aneurysm victims never make it that far. I'm praying for a good outcome from the brain surgery she's going to have any second now (perhaps right this moment). I'm ignoring the statistics that say that over 50% of people who have a brain aneurysm will die within 30 days following the aneurysm. I'm focusing instead on the small percentage that come out just fine, without permanent brain damage.

She's a God-fearing person with a big heart. She's had a difficult life. If anyone deserves a miracle it's my sister-in-law, but I don't know if miracles work like that.

Damn It

I just wrote a really long post about my great, relaxing weekend organizing the house (we finally finished exchanging duplicates to get all of the things we wanted from our registry and I've been loving snuggling up in our new bedding and filling and labeling magnetic spice tins that stick to the fridge and make finding the spices I need so easy I can't believe I was rooting through spice cabinets for all this time, I wasted so many minutes of my life) and playing "Weed or Good Plant?" in the back yard.
And after I typed up the whole thing, it just disappeared. Blargh. I guess the summary is:
-I love my spice tins and all of our wedding gifts, really, and feel like our house is designed to my liking for the time being.

-I spent an hour today picking up sticks from the backyard and putting them into an enormous kindling pile (we have a ridiculous number of trees [9, I think, and that's just the backyard] and it has been a windy winter).

-Penn and I found two garden hoses that had basically become a part of the ivy that covers 1/3rd of our yard. I got them out of the ivy. That was FUN.

-There are so many plants in the yard. I can't wait to see what they are when everything starts blooming. Today I cleaned all of the dead leaves out of the eight flower pots/planters that Penn and I found in the yard when we moved in. I thought I'd plant herbs in them in a few weeks, but it turns out half of them already have plants beginning to grow in them. One looks like a rose plant and most of the others look like they may be tomato plants. I know nothing at all about gardening and always assumed I'd have a black thumb if given the opportunity to take a shot at it, but the internet seems to have a bunch of information on growing plants and I'd like to try. I'll be researching low-maintenance plants and flowers if you need me. I did plant some bulbs when we moved into the house in November and I'm thrilled that my daffodils are starting to come up. I hope they actually flower!

-I'm finally beginning to feel like we're getting the house to a place where we'll be satisfying just doing basic maintenance for a while rather than major overhauls. The inside feels complete for the time being, and the yard is getting there. Penn spent the day laying mulch in the backyard, which goes a long way toward making the riot of plants back there look intentional rather than just crazy. Home projects are never done, but I think...I hope...we're almost finished making weekly trips to Home Depot. Yay

-Now let's hope tomorrow's predicted severe weather doesn't screw up all our hard work.

What I Did in February

I feel like I am never going to catch up on everything I need to do. I'm beginning to wonder if this will just be a perpetual state: no real set schedule from week to week, a constant set of tasks to work on, an ongoing sense that I'm always an hour or a day or a week behind on everything. Last year I felt a bit frantic almost all year. It's not that I wasn't enjoying my life or making free time to relax once in a while because I was (I don't think this is a dire situation, in other words), but my to-d0 list always felt overwhelming. Every time I crossed something off I had to add two or three new tasks. I was hopeful that life was just intensely busy because I was doing so many big things, and I hoped that once those things were over life would become more simple.
This semester should be more simple, in theory. We own a house now and are completely moved in and settled so all of the time and mental energy that went toward preparing to buy a house and hunting for one and moving into and organizing one is behind us. I'm teaching a class for the second time so there is less class prep. The wedding and honeymoon are in the past so all of the hours that went toward wedding planning are now freed up for other things. Somehow things haven't felt easier yet, though. All of those hours have been replaced by other things, like:

• I've been tutoring at least 10-15 hours a week lately, more when I consider driving time to and from sessions. I thought that maybe I'd take on less tutoring jobs post-honeymoon because I wouldn't feel the pressing need for money, but it turns out nothing makes me more concerned about money than the fact that we may be trying to have a baby soon. I'll (hopefully) hit a point before too long where my ability to bring in an income dries up mostly or even completely, at least for a while [I have so much I could write about trying to decide how often, if at all, I want to work or perhaps need to work while we have young children, but that's a different post...or six...]. I feel this bizarre and somewhat unexpected sense of guilt at the idea of dropping out of the workforce to take care of a baby and even though I know Penn is capable of handling the financing of our lifestyle on his own for a while I don't want him to have to do that, but I also don't want to have a baby and then not be able to at least try to stay at home with my child for a while and, blargh. I'm in an italicized tizzy about it all but apparently the manifestation of this inner debate is that I feel the need to work like a fiend while I still can and save up as much money as possible before I start trying to get pregnant in order to assuage this vague and undefined feeling of guilt about wanting to stay home with a baby and fear that I won't be able to try it unless I manage to save up some mystical amount of money that is "enough" right now.
• On that note, I've also started writing articles for a content farm. I really should be working on my dissertation in my writing time, but some days when I feel blocked on the dissertation I end up using the bulk of my writing time to do articles instead. The $15 I can make for 30 minutes or an hour of working on an article is irresistible. Finding titles that I feel like writing and working on them has become addictive. It's just so easy. But on the topic of guilt, I feel very icky about the ethics of churning out mediocre drivel for internet search engines. I don't even write the articles under my own name because I'm way too embarrassed to think that someone will find these things on the internet. It's not that I think my articles are bad (some of them are actually good, in a cutesy sort of way...my niche is turning out to be articles on wedding planning and Sunday School activities for children), it's just that they don't jive with the reputation of a scholar that I'm attempting to cultivate. That, and I feel like I'm contributing to the devaluation of quality writing by participating in this company's work at all, even though my own work is fine. It's as if part of me is writing for The New Yorker and then in my spare time I'm anonymously writing articles for The National Enquirer and Tiger Beat. And it feels gross to justify my articles by saying, "Well, I need the money," because I feel like that's a slippery slope, but I certainly can't justify what I'm doing by pretending I'm providing unique and important information. For now I plan to keep at it since it's something I can do from home on my own time while I decide how I feel about doing something I technically disapprove of simply because it's the easiest manner I can find of making quick cash.
• Wedding stuff isn't quite over. I finally finished opening and putting away our wedding gifts over the weekend (which was a fun task, of course!), and Penn and I finished all of the thank-you notes. But we still have gift cards to spend. That's not a problem--it's a great thing--but it does involve work on my part deciding which of the gifts we were given we should keep and which ones we should return* and what is the best use of our gift cards at three different stores. We used the ones from Sears to get a lawn mower (that was much needed and an easy choice) but deciding which home decor things to get is a bit trickier. I think I've finally figured it out, though, and we're going to do the gift card shopping this weekend. Also, I'm midway through changing my last name. I'm taking Penn's last name and bumping my maiden name to a second middle name. I spent an hour at the social security office applying for a new card and yesterday I spent two hours at the DMV getting a new state driver license with my new name. I still have to change my cards, my passport, and all of my documents at work. It is a PROJECT. I believe it will make life easier in the long run if I just organize this all now, though. I also need to order our wedding album and prints, and I want to write online reviews for all of our vendors, who were uniformly wonderful and deserve praise for making the wedding exactly what Penn and I wanted it to be. So, yeah, it's the wedding that never ends. Fun as it was--and it was a blast--I'm ready for it to fully be in the past. I hope to finally have all of the wedding stuff behind me after next week, though. Other than the whole being-someone's-wife thing, of course.
  *I only return things when we can't use them. We got two slow-cookers, for instance, and someone bought us lamp shades but not lamp bases, and I want to exchange some plates for different colored plates, stuff like that.
• I was so busy last semester that the course I taught wasn't fully what I wanted it to be, so even though I'm not teaching from scratch I'm doing a fair amount of tweaking to my lesson plans each week. My class is also half the size it was last time, which means that I have less grading but more class prep because the lecture format I used last semester doesn't work as well with a small group and I'm making an effort to create a more engaging, discussion-driven course. So far I'm really happy with how it's going. I really am a good teacher when I have time to focus on teaching. (And I'm a decent teacher even when it's not my focus; I am confident in my teaching abilities and wish I could harness some of that confidence into my research.)
• It will be spring soon which means Penn and I need to focus on yard work. LOTS of yard work. Our yard was a jungle when we moved in but since it was November and everything was dying we just left it alone to get covered in snow. Now a few things are beginning to bloom and I'm eager to see what we find out there in the spring--we don't even know what half our bare bushes and trees actually are--but I know that getting the yard in a state that's not embarrassing is going to take hours and hours of work.
• I'm the secretary of a student group and we're restructuring and holding elections and oh my god, it is so much work. I feel like I e-mail people about group issues 27 times a day. I'm stepping down from my post at the end of May because I've held it for two years and because I hope to be wrapping up my dissertation by the fall semester so it's time for a newer student to step into the role. I cannot wait to pass the reins to someone else. I'm proud of the work I've done in keeping the organization going, but it's someone else's turn.
• At least I am actually working consistently on my dissertation now. I have half a chapter completed and hope to finish three chapters by June. I finally set up an interview with someone whom I've been meaning to contact for a year. Seriously, AN ENTIRE YEAR. And now I meet with two friends every Wednesday to talk about our work and that accountability is helping me immensely.

I'd like to get back into the zone of blogging more than once or twice a month. I like writing here because it's a different format than my personal journal and although I can see that I write less and less every year, I really don't want to kill this thing entirely.
I'm still trying to figure out a concise way to describe my wedding and the honeymoon and how I've been feeling since then, so I'll get that post up eventually. Really.

Mrs.

Today is my wedding anniversary. I have been Penn's wife for exactly one month. I can't believe how quickly this first month has zoomed by.
The years are going to fly, aren't they?

(Real post to come soonish, hopefully. We've been back from our honeymoon for nine days but since I'm simultaneously dealing with the start of a new semester and attempting to catch up on three weeks of ignoring everything in my real life while we were on vacation, it has been difficult to get my life in order. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. Yesterday I managed to work out for the first time since I returned from our trip. So time to blog can't be far behind...hopefully...)

2010 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Bought a house, planned a wedding, attended a bridal shower as the guest of honor, published work in an academic journal, visited Montana and Jamaica, survived back-to-back blizzards that dumped 4 feet of snow outside my home, directed a show in City A, went to a rally on the National Mall. And there are more firsts, I'm sure, but those are the ones that immediately jump to mind.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
My resolution for 2010 was to focus on what is important. Namely, I wanted to stay focused on my relationship with Penn and my own health and sanity and not worry too much about all of the major things I was working on and planning all year long. I'm pleased to say that I did accomplish all of the things I hoped to accomplish this year. Last year I wrote, "I want to make significant progress on my dissertation. I want to move somewhere that makes me as happy as my current home does but has more space. I want to teach my own course. I want to plan a beautiful, fun wedding." And I somehow managed to do all of those things! (Well, whether or not the wedding is beautiful and fun remains to be seen, but it is planned and that's what matters.) I'm also pleased to say that Penn and I are still happily together and considering all of the major life changes we put ourselves through this year I think we managed to get through the past twelve months with a minimal amount of snipping at each other.
After all of the major changes planned throughout this past year, my resolution in 2011 is to see everything through to fruition. I want to get married and I want to finish my dissertation. Two major things, but getting married is almost a guarantee, and I think finishing the dissertation is doable if I force myself to buckle down and do the work.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nobody I spend time with on a regular basis in my day-to-day life, but a few people I keep in touch with on Facebook had babies this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, and I am so incredibly thankful for that.

5. What countries did you visit?

Jamaica was the only country other than the US that I visited this year. That was such a fun, relaxing vacation.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A finished dissertation, a marriage certificate with my name and Penn's name on it, a positive pregnancy test (Penn and I have talked a lot about it and we're about as sure as we can be that we'd ideally like to get pregnant in the summer or fall. Obviously we have very little control over that, other than control over when we try, but that's the game plan unless our lives change substantially in some way over the next few months

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
November 5^th, the day we bought our house. Tied to that, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of walking into the house for the first time and getting an overwhelming sense that it was supposed to be ours. I had been in the basement looking around and I walked upstairs just in time to hear Penn asking the realtor, “So, what do we have to do to make an offer?” and I knew he felt the same way I did. I will also always remember the back-to-back blizzards of early February since that kind of intense snow is so unusual here and probably won’t happen many other times in my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Publishing a book review, teaching two college courses on my own, getting a successful review of my show, doing a pretty good job of dealing with the stress of planning the wedding and dissertating and buying a house simultaneously.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not spending enough time on the dissertation. It was always on the back burner and I worked on it only when I could find time. In 2011 everything else is going to go on the back burner instead. I read a quote that said that your dissertation will be finished six months after you decide it’s the most important thing in your life. So beginning in February of 2011, the dissertation is the most important thing in my life (other than Penn, of course).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had that weird 24 hour bug the day after the 4^th of July. I still don’t know what that was, some sort of stomach flu. Oh, and then of course there was The Great Shopping Cart Debacle of 2010. I was bruised and sore for a couple of weeks, and seven months later I still have a scar on my shoulder blade from that fiasco. We are so dumb.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The house, absolutely (it seems like this survey is set up in such a way that it becomes repetitive every year; this year it’s all about the new house, apparently).

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Penn, for putting up with me when I got worked up over stupid wedding or house details. I tried not to freak out constantly all year, but sometimes it was inevitable. He never once tried to kill me, even when I was annoyed with myself.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A couple of members of Penn's extended family are appalling and depressing. Fortunately we don't have to see either of them on a regular basis and the things they do that are so appalling don't affect us directly--people we care about, but not us--so it's (perhaps detrimentally) easy to just ignore them 99% of the time.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Buying the house, obviously. I almost had a panic attack when I saw the amount of our twenty percent down payment, but in the end I was so proud of us for being able to pay off so much of the house right away.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Picking out a wedding dress, going to Jamaica, moving into our house

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

The Black Keys "Sinister Kid" (Penn was on kick with this song for weeks back in late summer and early fall), Usher's "OMG" (this will always remind me of Jen's bachelorette party and wedding in Missoula)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A. Happier or sadder?

Probably about the same. If anything I'm happier, definitely not sadder.
B. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner, but barely. I wanted to tone up for the wedding, but I've been dropping and then regaining the same five pounds all year. Oh well! That's why my wedding dress has a corset.
C. Richer or poorer?

Well, we own a house now but had to spend a good amount of our life savings to get it (which is what the savings were for, of course). I figure we probably broke even.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I had worked on the dissertation more often.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I wish I'd spent less time lounging around in bed in the mornings. I need to get better at getting up when Penn gets up instead of lounging in bed with a book or blogs on my phone and finally getting up an hour or two later. Unacceptable!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I spent my first Christmas in my new house, just me and Penn alone. It was great, we ate a ton of food, opened presents, lounged around, went to a candlelight service at church. It was perfectly relaxing and a nice, low-key time to be alone together.

21. How will you be spending New Years?

Penn's friend D drove down from Philly for the night with his girlfriend J, and we're all going to go into City A to meet up with Nic and her husband and a few other friends. We're going to a Gogol Bordello concert at a club. We went to the same club for New Year's Eve two years ago and had a great time, so I'm hoping tonight will be just as fun. Also, I am NOT doing Jello shots this year. Ugh.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Still happily in love with the same man I've been in love with since 2008 and hoping that will never change! (Aw, cheesefest!)

23. How many one-night stands?

Zero. Always zero.

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?

Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, 30 Rock

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate at this time last year?

I don't hate anyone. I don't think I can work up that enthusiastic of an emotion. In my opinion it takes way too much energy to hold a grudge and hate. Having said that, there is a woman in my department that annoys me so much that I have now developed what I call a zero tolerance policy toward her, meaning that I try to avoid her as much as possible and do not speak to her unless she speaks to me first. I still don't hate her, though, I just find her obnoxious. Luckily our paths don't cross often.

26. What was the best book that you've read? A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole and The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami (I read that one during the week of the blizzards when we were without cable or internet,and I found it completely mesmerizing).

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Honestly, I haven't paid that much attention to music this year. I did just get Penn's old iPod Touch, though (he bought himself a Nano and is now using that instead) so I'm hoping to pay more attention so that I can download more music this year.

28. What did you want that you also ended up getting?
A house (that's the biggie, of course), my own class(es) to teach, a Kindle (I LOVE the Kindle), a really, really awesome Canon Camera

29. What did you want that you did not end up getting?
Honestly, I think I've gotten about pretty much everything I wanted this year. I'd like a few new things for the house, but that's about it.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

True Grit, definitely. It was awesome!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28 and I bought a house. We signed the papers on my birthday and then came over to the house and drank a celebratory bottle of champagne. It was one of the best days I've ever had.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nothing. Seriously, everything is going exactly to plan. I'm unbelievably blessed.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I get up in the morning, put on workout clothes, and then since sometimes I don't get around to working out until late in the afternoon, I pretty much wear sweats and spandex all day unless I'm going to campus to work or tutoring. I need to improve on this next year, too!

34. What kept you sane?

Penn, my basset, my journal. The usual.

35. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Stewart. I don't have crush on him, I fancy his brain.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Penn and I Rallied to Restore Sanity, so I suppose it was anti-politics that stirred me the most.

37. Who did you miss?

My parents and my siblings. I always miss them the most. I miss having Kiki as a daily part of my life, too. Talking on the phone just isn't enough sometimes.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

The kids (well, "kids", they're mostly 19-21) that I worked with on my project this summer. They are good people.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

RELAX. Or, as Penn would put it, "No worries, mate." I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to learn it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"She keeps it simple
And I am thankful for her kind of lovin'
'Cause it's simple

No longer do we wonder if we're together
We're way past that
And I've already asked her
So in January we're gettin' married

She's talkin' to me with her voice
Down so low I barely hear her
But I know what she's sayin'
I understand because my heart and hers are the same
And in January we're gettin' married

And I was sick with heartache
And she was sick like Audrey Hepburn when I met her
But we would both surrender

True love is not the kind of thing you should turn down
Don't ever turn it down

I hope that I don't sound to insane when I say
There is darkness all around us
I don't feel weak but I do need sometimes for her to protect me
And reconnect me to the beauty that I'm missin'
And in January we're gettin' married

No longer does it matter what circumstances we were born in
She knows which birds are singin'
And the names of the trees where they're performin' in the mornin
And in January we're gettin' married
Come January let's get married."

-January Wedding, The Avett Brothers

30 Things to Do Before I Turn 30

As I mentioned last year, I've decided to make a list of 30 things to do before my 30th birthday this year. I won't turn 30 until November of 2012, but I just think it makes more sense to do these lists in larger increments as I get older. Either that or I would eventually have to start filling the lists with complete minutiae. By the time I got to a "60 Things to Do Before I Turn 60" list I'd have to be accomplishing more than one task per week, and that's just ridiculous. So I have made the executive decision that the working list for the next two years is 30 Things to Do Before I Turn 30.

I found it challenging to make this year's list, mostly because of item number two. I have a feeling that becoming a parent will change my priorities entirely, so I can think of plenty of things I would like to do now but I imagine that I may laugh at this list in two years, when I anticipate life will be very different. We'll see!

Here's the list:

1. Finish the PhD (I try to leave major must-dos off this list and limit it to things I would just like to do for fun or because they will make my life easier/better, but I'm putting this one on the list because it is my #1 priority over the next couple of years.)

2. Become a parent (Actually, this one might be my #1 priority...honestly, it's sort of a toss-up. I feel like the pending occurrence of #2 will lead to the forced accomplishment of #1. I hope so, anyway, or else I'm terrified that task #1 will fall by the wayside. Not so terrified that I'm willing to put off attempting to become a parent until I've finished the dissertation, though, because ultimately my biological clock trumps all other considerations since that's the one thing I really can't control at all. I'm 28, my husband-to-be wants an entire hockey team of children, it's time to get crackin'. [Note: I am NOT on board with the hockey team idea...and I think he's joking...mostly...])

3. Convince myself that it's okay not to write a full-fledged journal entry every day. Notes of highlights and lists are better than nothing when life is busy. Print and bind the past four (wow) years of journal entries.

4. See at least ten live productions (concerts, plays, etc.)

5. "The unwillingness to give a hearing to contradictory viewpoints, or to imagine that one might learn anything from an ideological or cultural opponent, represents a departure from the best side of American popular and elite intellectual traditions."-Susan Jacoby. In the spirit of this quote, I'm going to attempt to read--with an open mind--something I'm inclined to disagree with. And I'm going to try to find at least one part of the book that I can agree with. (Yes, this was on last year's list but I really do think this is important, so I put it on the list again.)

6. Figure out a way to store my pictures that is organized and allows for easy viewing but isn't completely dependent on Facebook. (This and the next few items are things I didn't get around to last year but would still like to try to accomplish.)

7. Go on a 20+ mile-long bike ride.

8. Finish a Seasonal Reading Challenge on Goodreads. (This may be impossible, but I want to keep trying!)

9. Visit Monticello.

10. Take the Meatball to a local basset hound event.

11. Take a trip to Las Vegas with Penn.

12. Watch a Supreme Court hearing.

13. Take advantage of Restaurant Week and try at least one well-reviewed, trendy restaurant that I normally wouldn't be able to afford.

14. On a similar note, try at least 15 bars/restaurants that I have never been to before (restaurants tried on vacation when I have no choice but to try new places don't count).

15. Take a trip to Pittsburgh and see Penn's college campus.

16. Go to the local fish market.

17. Adopt a second dog.

18. Ski Taos or Telluride with Penn.

19. Get the fireplace repaired so that we can enjoy the fireplace in our den.

20. Get new chairs for the living room.

21. Remodel the pink bathroom (or at the very least paint the untiled portions of the wall a color other than their current peachy-pink).

22. Cross at least one new country off my list.

23. Cross at least one new state off my list.

24. Get myself a football jersey so I can fit in when we support Penn's favorite football team at the bar.

25. Obtain a membership to the neighborhood pool. (Apparently only 300 families can belong to the pool at one time, so basically I have to wait for someone to die or decide to sell a membership).

26. Buy or otherwise acquire three pieces of actual art for my home. (Real art, not something mass-produced)

27. Throw a party in my backyard.

28. Buy a four-door car.

29. Plant a small vegetable and/or herb garden in the backyard and attempt to grow some of my own produce.

30. Make the list of 35 Things to Do Before I'm 35.

28 Things to Do Before I Turn 28 Recap

I have been wanting to post my recap of last year's list and my new list for this year for almost 8 weeks now. I finally, FINALLY had time to do it today. It feels good to get this (admittedly self-imposed) task off my plate just in time for the new year.

So, here are the items I completed from my 28 Things to Do Before I Turn 28 list. I didn't do as well as I did with my 27 Things list, but, as you can probably tell, Penn and I have been pretty busy this year.

1. Write a book review and submit it to an academic journal. Not only did I write and submit my book review, I actually managed to get it published! It was published in October and I can now look myself up as an author in journal databases, which is pretty damn awesome.

2. Find a dentist here and make an appointment to get my teeth cleaned. For real this time! I did it, and it was a good thing I did because I had a cavity. I'm being especially good and went to the dentist in both January and November this year. It's not exactly every six months, but it's better than I was doing for the past 5 or 6 years.

4. Buy a printer. So, I don't technically have a printer yet, but I put one on our wedding registry, so at least I am attempting to own a printer. That counts, right? If no one purchases it as a gift I will buy it myself.

5. Attend at least six live productions, not including concerts (classical music counts, though; I feel bad making this highbrow/lowbrow divide here but the fact is we attend concerts almost monthly but spend much less time going to plays/opera/the symphony). Things I saw: War Horse, Oliver! (both on my trip to London), Itzhak Perlman/Beethoven's Fifth Symphony (Perlman played and then conducted), The Bluest Eye, King Lear, Richard II, Henry V, Da, and Hamlet

7. Cross at least one more country off my list. Scotland, Jamaica

8. Cross at least one more state off my list (only 17 more to go!). Montana

15. Take advantage of Restaurant Week to try a well-reviewed restaurant I normally wouldn't be able to afford. Penn and I went to a local Brazilian steakhouse and it was amaaaaaazing. I know the meat was the point, but I can still taste this delicious cheesy bread we had there.

16. Go to one of the historic local jazz clubs. We tried one club for Penn's birthday and then went to a different one a few months later when I got a Groupon. Both experiences were great.

17. Read the Dark Tower series. I joked to Jon he had to read the Harry Potter series or we couldn't stay together so he retaliated by insisting I read the Dark Tower series. He's about to finish Harry Potter, so I figured I should humor him and attempt to fulfill his request. There are seven books in the series and I'm reading the last book right now. I had promised myself I would finish the series before our wedding. I'm not quite sure if I'll finish before then since I'm on page 75 of 800ish pages, but I think I'll come close. I may have to finish the last few chapters post-honeymoon (since I'm not dragging that behemoth of a book around the world with me).

19. Eat here, here, and here. I've been to the third place twice now, and the chicken place has become part of our standard restaurant rotation because it's across the street from the liquor store where we buy kegs for Penn's kegerator. Sooooooo good.

21. Buy new ski clothes so I can quit wearing the ski pants I've been wearing since the '90s, then ski at least seven times this winter. It was an awesome ski season this year. Penn and I hit the slopes practically once a week all winter. As excited as I am about New Zealand, I'm sad we'll be missing so much of the east coast's very short ski season.

23. Go here. I went with my sister when she visited in March and enjoyed it very much.

24. Buy a new comforter for the bed. I also registered for this. I registered for a duvet, actually, since I love those things. I'm hoping we're gifted it, but if not I will definitely be updating our bedding when we get home from the honeymoon. It's time for a change!

26. Take a trip to Philly and research a bar for my dad. I actually ended up doing this with my dad when he visited in April. He and my mom rented a limo and took me, Penn, and some of our friends to Philly. It turned out that the bar was not so much a bar as it was a strip club, but it was still a really fun night (I was aware that there were going to be pole dancers but thought it would be more like a burlesque bar. But no, STRIP CLUB. The women didn't get topless, but there was plenty to see. In my dad's defense, he didn't think it would be a straight up strip club when he decided to take us all there.)

28. Make the list of 30 Things to Do Before I'm 30. This was pretty much done 8 weeks ago, I just didn't have time to edit and post it until now!

So, that's 15 of 28 things. More than half! Not bad considering everything else I had to juggle all year long. Let's hope I'm even more successful with 30 Things Before 30.