A friend asked this via a Facebook status post today and I came up with my answer immediately: Security. It's all I want right now and, now that I think about it, security is the only thing I have ever really wanted, ever. It all comes back to that for me. I just want to feel safe, in every way. I want the security of knowing that somebody loves me and understands me and will do whatever is necessary to protect me. I want the security that comes from having friends and co-workers that support me and understand me. I want the financial security of a steady job and a comfortable income. I want the security of knowing that my family is safe and healthy. I crave the security that I imagine will come from having children, the security of knowing that someone will carry on my family through future generations, that a little bit of me (biological, perhaps, but if biological children doesn't work out for us then certainly a little bit of my morals and teachings) will be here in this world even when I'm not. I want the security of knowing more or less what to expect next in my life.
I don't need anything lavish or exciting. In fact, what I want is mundane. Just a simple feeling of security. That's all I need to be happy. This becomes increasingly apparent to me all the time as I realize that the only times I am ever distressed are the times when I feel insecure: when I don't know what is expected of me, when I don't have a plan for the immediate future, when I can't anticipate what is going to happen next and I feel like the rug could be ripped out from under me at any moment.
Maybe that description is true of everyone, but maybe not. I feel like there are some people in the world who are perfectly okay without any kind of safety net. I have friends who are (seemingly) content to live life as loners, without a plan in place, without a clear sense of where the next paycheck is coming from. Some people seem to thrive on that, in fact. I can't imagine it.
This doesn't mean I'm dull, I don't think. There is plenty of room for adventure and trying new things within a life that is still fundamentally safe. Take traveling, for example: I love traveling. In fact, there is almost nothing I like more. You might think this contradicts everything I just said, but it doesn't. It's perfectly possible to travel to an unknown place and still feel completely secure surrounded by your family with a Visa card and an itinerary.
The hard thing about wanting security more than anything, though, is that it doesn't really exist. There is never a time when I can fully let down my guard. I enjoy my life--I enjoy it very, very much--and I do have the ultimate security of knowing that I am a strong, resilient person who can always cobble a sense of security back together for myself even if it all falls apart. But it's frustrating to know that all security is an illusion.
Right now I have Penn's strong arms wrapped around me (metaphorically, but often literally), friends and family and colleagues that (mistakenly) think I am brilliant, a comfortable roof over my head, a bright future. This is just another one of those times in which I feel the need to remind myself to cherish all of this while I have it. And to hope for the best, of course.
What one word describes what you want most in life?
P.S.-I've been a horrible blogger this summer. My latest excuses are a bout with stomach flu and many, many hours being spent on a big summer project. I also have been spending a good amount of time doing dissertation work (yes!) and preparing for the summer course I begin teaching this week. Still, I'll try to post more than a few times each month.
I don't need anything lavish or exciting. In fact, what I want is mundane. Just a simple feeling of security. That's all I need to be happy. This becomes increasingly apparent to me all the time as I realize that the only times I am ever distressed are the times when I feel insecure: when I don't know what is expected of me, when I don't have a plan for the immediate future, when I can't anticipate what is going to happen next and I feel like the rug could be ripped out from under me at any moment.
Maybe that description is true of everyone, but maybe not. I feel like there are some people in the world who are perfectly okay without any kind of safety net. I have friends who are (seemingly) content to live life as loners, without a plan in place, without a clear sense of where the next paycheck is coming from. Some people seem to thrive on that, in fact. I can't imagine it.
This doesn't mean I'm dull, I don't think. There is plenty of room for adventure and trying new things within a life that is still fundamentally safe. Take traveling, for example: I love traveling. In fact, there is almost nothing I like more. You might think this contradicts everything I just said, but it doesn't. It's perfectly possible to travel to an unknown place and still feel completely secure surrounded by your family with a Visa card and an itinerary.
The hard thing about wanting security more than anything, though, is that it doesn't really exist. There is never a time when I can fully let down my guard. I enjoy my life--I enjoy it very, very much--and I do have the ultimate security of knowing that I am a strong, resilient person who can always cobble a sense of security back together for myself even if it all falls apart. But it's frustrating to know that all security is an illusion.
Right now I have Penn's strong arms wrapped around me (metaphorically, but often literally), friends and family and colleagues that (mistakenly) think I am brilliant, a comfortable roof over my head, a bright future. This is just another one of those times in which I feel the need to remind myself to cherish all of this while I have it. And to hope for the best, of course.
What one word describes what you want most in life?
P.S.-I've been a horrible blogger this summer. My latest excuses are a bout with stomach flu and many, many hours being spent on a big summer project. I also have been spending a good amount of time doing dissertation work (yes!) and preparing for the summer course I begin teaching this week. Still, I'll try to post more than a few times each month.
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