Where I'm At

From: My Former Undergrad Professor Now Working on Her PhD at A Different University
To: Me
How is the PhD stuff going?

From: Me
To: My Former Professor
I'm taking my comprehensive exams right now. Well, technically right now I'm on Facebook, but you know what I mean. I work on them for the next three weeks. I defend the exam in October. I'm dreading the defense even more than the writing. This is how I anticipate it going:
Prof: Why did you choose to cover Topic A instead of Topic B?
Me: Um, because I already had a bunch of books at Topic A at home so it required a little less effort?
Prof: You wrote about Era C, but you didn't bother to mention Very Important Person from Said Period. Why not?
Me: Because I don't really know anything about VIP, so I thought it was better to just pretend he didn't exist. Is that not okay?
Ugh. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

From: My Former Professor
To: Me
I have a strategy planned out for my comprehensive exam defense, too:
Prof: You wrote about Era C, but you didn't bother to mention Very Important Person from Said Period. Why not?
Me: (Take off all of my clothes. Smile broadly.)
My plan is based on the fact that two out of my three committee members are in their seventies. I figure the shock will kill at least one of them. The others will be in a stress-induced coma. When they ask me, "What were their final words before they died?!" I'll say, "They gasped and then said, 'You pass.'"
I will only resort to this plan if I have to say "I don't know" more than three times...in an hour. You are more than welcome to borrow my idea, although I am approaching 50 and I have a bit more potential to shock and appall my committee.

From: Me
To: My Former Professor
That's such a good idea! Unfortunately, my committee is relatively young and spry, so it might be harder for me to shock them to death. Although I have another plan inspired by a friend who defended her MA when she was nine months pregnant. She was a week away from her due date at the time, and she said that everyone was so terrified she was going to go into labor at any minute that they were basically like, "Congratulations, you passed! Now get out of here, you're making us nervous!"
Unfortunately, the whole be-so-pregnant-that-everyone-is-either-pitying-me-or-terrified-but-either-way-just-wants-me-out-of-the-conference-room plan couldn't be put into action for comps. But I suppose if I time the next couple of years verrrrrry carefully and get lucky (or unlucky, maybe...dissertating while pregnant doesn't sound fun) I could still put the plan into action for my dissertation defense.

From: My Former Professor
To: Me
Great idea! Hard to get pregnant at 47...bummer. I think you should seriously consider doing it for the dissertation defense. And, if the baby comes early, bring him/her along and about half an hour into the defense say, "Don't mind me, I just need to nurse. Continue with your questions." Ha!
I came up with one more plan: Walk in with a mask. "Hi everyone, I just found out I have swine flu! Don't get too close!"
Enough plans. Happy writing!

Also, there is this:

From: Nicole

To: Everyone Writing Comprehensive Exams
Does anyone else feel like all of a sudden they can only comprehend very simple ideas and write those in very simple sentences?
I like English. It is good. It tells stories.
(Don't use that, anyone! It's mine!)

From: Me
To: Everyone
At least you're writing sentences. I just keep thinking, "Wait, you mean I can't just keep reading things and making outlines? I actually have to write thirty pages at some point this week? Well, crap. Can't you just look over my outline? It makes all the points I would have made anyway, and you don't have to put up with the torture of reading my poorly strung together sentences."

From: G
To: Everyone:
I. Response
A. Same as *A*
1. Outlines

2. Ideas

3. Quotes
B. Different from *A*
1. Formulate outline with source in mind

2. Discover no English version of source, despite TONS of critical research found

3. To reformulate argument, check out more books

4. Almost hit borrowing limit from library

5. Drive 45 minutes to borrow book from J.

C. Subtext/Additional Questions

1. Why am I reading MORE at this point?

2. Why is it Wednesday already?

3. I wonder if wine would help this response?

From: J

To: Everyone
Women, please, some of us are trying to surf the net for critical theory Clifs Notes!

From: Mari
To: Everyone
We sincerely apologize for interrupting your Wikipedia time.
Also, do our committee members really find it necessary to write on every section of our questions that we should fully and accurately cite our sources? I think we've got that part...

From: G
To: Everyone
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Accurately cite that, bitches!
I am using the MS Word Thesaurus way too much. It first started when I appropriated Nicole's three word sentences that she already claimed. Now I think I'm just going to quote and cite Nicole's e-mail...which I would have to look up how to format Chicago style.

From: Me
To: Everyone
We have to do this for seventeen more days? BLARGH!
P.S.-Resorting to drinking soon. It always worked for theory seminar response papers...

From: Nicole
To: Everyone
I think I have swine flu.
Really.
Great timing.

Don't you wish you were me right now?

Goodbye until October!