Another one for the Idiot Files

I should stop writing about people doing idiotic things. I really should, especially since I know that I probably do plenty of things that other people find annoying and stupid. And yet sometimes I can't resist telling you about my latest moron encounter (I also have plenty of encounters with nice, normal people, but that's just not as interesting).

Last night Penn and I were on the train coming home from a night out with a couple of his friends. We'd taken the train into the city to go to our new favorite beer bar and at 1:30 we caught the train home. Now, whenever you get on the train between 1 and 3 AM on the weekends you know there are going to be obnoxious drunk people on the train. That's just a given. I don't generally mind because a) it makes for interesting people-watching and b) I've been drunk and obnoxious on more than one occasion in my life so I can't really judge. But last night we encountered a girl who was so drunk that almost every other person on the train could do nothing but talk about what a drunk idiot she was. In fact, I think the only person who wasn't ready to strangle her was the guy who was so drunk that at one point when the train stopped he fell to the floor and rolled ten feet up the aisle. Had he been able to stay on his feet I'm sure he would have wanted her to shut up, too.
She was just SO. ANNOYING. When I got on the train she was making loud, bitchy comments to other passengers. For instance, a girl and her boyfriend got on the train and the drunk girl said at the top of her lungs, "I like your dress! You're cute! But, ugh, your boyfriend is NOT!" and she told another girl, "Ooh, where did you get your shirt, it's so ugly!" I'm amazed she didn't get slapped in the face. She was sitting with her friend (who was also so drunk she was almost cross-eyed, but at least she wasn't as loud) and they were trying pathetically to flirt with every guy that crossed their path. At one point she asked a guy where he was getting off the train and he said, "The next stop," and she said, "Well, you'll be missing fun times in Ocean City!" and the guy looked at them dubiously and said, "You're going to Ocean City right now?" and the other girl said, "No, but we're going soon and we were going to invite you, but now I don't think we have time to get to know you well enough before you get off the train. So we're not going to invite you after all!" The guy just nodded slowly and said, "Yeah...that's a good decision." A few minutes later another guy got on and because the drunk girl had to make a loud, rude comment about every single person that boarded the train she shouted, "What's on your hands? WHAT'S ON YOUR HANDS? Don't touch anything. Is that ink? Oh my god, were you in jail? YOU WERE IN JAIL TONIGHT, WEREN'T YOU?!?!" The guy didn't really answer, he just muttered some comment about how he has been to jail a few times in his life and the drunk girl shouted, "Oh, that's attractive, a guy that has been in jail many times!" I couldn't tell if she was joking or being serious. It was a bitchy or stupid comment either way.

This went on for the entire twenty minutes I was on the train. If she wasn't yelling rude comments at people she was blabbing loudly to anyone who accidentally caught her eye. The only thing that made it even remotely bearable was the camaraderie formed between the rest of us poor passengers who had to put up with her.

The absolute highlight, though, was this conversation:
Drunk Girl: He won't come pick us up. He hates people. He hates drunk people. He hates us.
Her Friend: He hates us?....But we LOVE him.

Drunk Girl: I hate people that hate people who like people who aren't trying to hate people because they're just trying to like people who like people and don't like hating people who, like, hate people.
Her Friend: Yeah, I know. Me too.

What?! What does that even mean?! That's a paraphrase of what she said, of course, but I promise her actual rambling didn't make any more sense than the way I wrote it there. I wished I'd had a recorder at that moment, though, because it was quite possibly the most stupid statement I've ever heard in my entire life. And it was made even funnier by the fact that her friend nodded and agreed as if the drunk girl's comment had made even a bit of sense.

Anyway, that was the last straw for Penn. He couldn't sit across from her for a second longer without killing her, so he got up and moved to another part of the train muttering, "I'm getting dumber by the second," at which point the girl said, "He said he's getting dumber by the second. Maybe it's because his shirt is out of style." (For the record, said shirt is a striped polo bought at Target two months ago. Whatever.) Then she yelled at me, "You look good in pink!" And then, thankfully, we were finally at our stop.

She was on her way out to the very last stop on the line. I wonder if she made it or if the rest of the car banded together and threw her off? I really hope it was the latter.