Saturday, June 18, 2011

Inaugural $h*t my Mother-in-Law Says Post

Penn's mother is an interesting character. She has had a rather topsy-turvy life and, as a result, she has developed some very strong opinions. Strong and, um, unusual opinions. Opinions that she likes to pass along to Penn and now to me, oftentimes to our complete bafflement and bemusement. In other words, she is the queen of giving advice or providing examples that make Penn and I go, "Who says that!?!?" later on when we've hung up the phone or are on our way home in the car. I try to attribute positive intentions to her sometimes-bizarre reactions and advice. I think she was disappointed many, many times in life and doesn't want us to get our hopes up only to have them crushed. That's what I tell myself, anyway.

In addition to these well-intentioned but (in our opinion) usually misguided pieces of advice, she also has a tendency to look on the dark side. She's the definition of a glass half-empty person. I can't think of a single time when we told her a good thing and she simply had a happy reaction. She ALWAYS has to look for the most negative possibility. Always. Remember the time I wrote about driving across a creek and my mom's reaction ("Oh, a river!") contrasted with Penn's mom's reaction ("All I see is mud.")? Yeah. She has a tendency to immediately assume the worst and then tell us about how bad it could be. Penn's mom is a textbook pessimist, to the point that it is comical.

I'm not writing this to bitch about my mother-in-law. In fact, you should know that I like her a lot, even though our personalities are very different. No, I'm writing this because some of the stuff she says is just too good NOT to document.
So today I'm beginning what I anticipate will be an ongoing series: $h*t my Mother-in-Law Says. Feel free to laugh along (or perhaps wonder whether such things are really appropriate things to say to your son and daughter-in-law; offended is not the correct attitude because we take it all with a grain of salt, but feel free to think, "Really?!" We do!).
P.S.-This game is going to make family gatherings so much fun!
P.P.S.-Many of these are conversations that took place between Penn and his mother, so I was not actually present at the time. She doesn't say all of these wacky things in front of me...yet.

Five minutes into my first conversation EVER with my mother-in-law-t0-be:
Penn's Mom: I've been married three times. The first time I was too young. The second time it was really good...until it wasn't. And the third time, well, we've been married twelve years and it has been hard the entire time. At this point I'm basically just hoping to outlive him."
Me: Oh. Well...okay.

Her reaction to the engagement:
Penn: I'm going to ask *A* to marry me!
Penn's Mom: Is she pregnant?
[I know she genuinely likes me and she seems quite happy about our marriage. Do you see what I mean about pessimistic?!]

Wedding planning:
"Everyone buys you gifts the first time. The second time most people don't bother to get you anything. The third time you get married, nobody even comes."

"Nobody is going to eat any of these things." [Initial reaction to the rehearsal dinner menu. Incidentally, people ate ALL of those things.]

"So what are you going to do with all of these books when nobody takes them home?" [We used books as table decorations/wedding favors. They were all taken home by our guests on the night of the wedding and I am happy to report that we received tons of compliments on the idea. Friends have since started a book club based on the books we gave to our wedding guests.]

Home Buying:
Penn: We close on the house tomorrow! I bought a bottle of champagne and we plan to go over to the house and drink it after closing.
Penn's Mom: Well, THAT's going to backfire!

Penn: It's *A*'s birthday tomorrow so after we sign the papers for the house I'm taking her out for a nice dinner.
Penn's Mom: So you're taking her to McDonald's, right?
Penn: No. Why would I do that?
Penn's Mom: Because you don't have any money. You're broke from buying a house.
[Uh, okay. If you say so.]

Penn: *A* put most of her savings into buying the house, too.
Penn's Mom: Wow, she must be really invested in this relationship! She's not just going to back out at the drop of a hat.
[You know, because GETTING MARRIED doesn't imply a certain level of investment!]


Miscellaneous life advice, orders, and conversations:
Me: I'm really glad everything is okay and Penn's healthy.
Penn's Mom: Yeah, you don't want to get tied to someone who is sick.
Me: No, it's not that. If he did get really sick that wouldn't change anything between us.
Penn's Mom: You say that now, but let me tell you, if he really was sick that would change everything and you might think you could make it work but you couldn't. You would be better off not getting stuck with that in the first place.

"Grandma isn't doing well. You need to take the time to come and see her before it's too late. Don't call me unless you're volunteering." [From an e-mail sent to the entire family]

Penn's Mom: She's such a backstabber. She walked in and sat next to me at the meeting as if she was my best friend. She was acting chatty like she's my best buddy. And then she wanted to eat lunch together.
Penn: You know, Mom, it is possible she actually likes you and isn't just pretending.
Penn's Mom: Oh god, I hope not!

Penn: We won a trip to Jamaica!
Penn's Mom: That's definitely a scam. It's going to be a time share thing.
Penn: No, it's not, there's no catch. We asked. It's really a free trip.
Penn's Mom: Well, you'll have to pay for something.
Penn: We don't. Everything is included.
Penn's Mom: You'll have to pay for your drinks at least.
Penn: No, we don't. It's all-inclusive.
Penn's Mom: They'll find some way to suck money out of you.
Penn: I told you, we looked into it. It's FREE.
Penn's Mom: No way. There is no way it can be free. They're going to charge you for at least one night.
Penn: Mom, it's a FREE. VACATION.
Penn's Mom: You'll think it's free until you get home, and then you'll get some kind of bill. There's no such thing as a free trip.
Penn: I won it at a travel expo. We did a bunch of research into it to make sure it's not a scam. We just got really lucky.
Penn's Mom: Well, I wouldn't trust that if I were you.
Penn: We trust it, we're going next month.
Penn's Mom: ...Well...even if it does end up being free, when you get there you're going to be bothered by people on the beach trying to sell you stuff!
Penn: Bye Mom.
[Ultimate result: We took a trip to Jamaica last year. It really was free. A year later Penn's Mom is still waiting for God to smite us dead because we've already used up all of our good fortune in life.]

Penn's Mom: I wouldn't go bungee jumping if I was you.
Penn: It will be fun. It's safe. They've had over a million people jump and no one has ever died.
Penn's Mom: That doesn't mean you couldn't be the first.
Penn: I'm not going to be the first person to die on the bungee jump in New Zealand.
Penn's Mom: But you could be.

Penn: *A* is going to have her rehearsals in our backyard.
Penn's Mom: Psh. That's going to run up your water bill, having all of those people hanging out at your house using your toilets all summer.
[This one kills me. Who even thinks about something like that?! Also, I don't know where Penn's mother got the idea that we are very poor and just scraping by, but for whatever reason she persists in believing this.]

Pregnancy [This category is going to get even more ridiculous somehow, I just know it]:
Penn's Mom: Is *A* pregnant yet?
Penn: No.
Penn's Mom: Well, what is taking so long?!
Penn: It hasn't been that long. Don't worry, I will tell you when she's pregnant. She's not pregnant.
Penn's Mom: She sure looked pregnant in your Outer Banks pictures.
Penn: What are you saying? That she looks fat?!
Penn's Mom: No, not that. She just has a look in her eyes. Women can recognize when another woman is pregnant. It's a certain gleam in her eyes. She has that look.
Penn: She's not pregnant yet.
Penn's Mom: Well, then I guess it's just the look of a woman who is being good and fucked.
[Oh. my. god. This one takes the cake so far for being SO INCREDIBLY INAPPROPRIATE. She's talking about her own son's sex life! What the?!?!?!?! Also, assuming I'd been trying to get pregnant since the honeymoon--which is NOT the case--I hardly think six months is "taking so long."]

Stay tuned for more!

3 comments:

brabantbound said...

LOL...I am dying laughing Ashley. Glad to know I am not imagining this stuff!

brabantbound said...

by the way- this is Heather, in case you didn't know :) I'm back!!

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