Conversations with my Uterus

It: You know what's great? Babies.
Me: Yeah, they're really cute.
It: We should probably have one.
Me: Someday, sure.
It: No. NOW.
Me: Not now. I have things to do.
It: I don't care what you have to do, I want a baby NOW.
Me: Yeah, well, too bad for you, Uterus. I'm in school. I'm not married. I have a list of vacations I want to take with my hot boyfriend sans strollers and carseats.
It: But isn't Mari's baby adorable? The way he laughs hysterically just because you repeat the word "Hippo" in a funny voice? Who wouldn't want that kind of audience around on a daily basis?
Me: But they also cry.
It: I don't care. They're so snuggly. Didn't you see the pictures of Cas's baby? Don't you want your own seven pounds of cuddly baby?
Me: Did you know it costs at least $6,000 to pay for a baby's first year? Do you have any idea how much diapers cost? Because I saw the sale price in the Safeway flier last week and, damn, that sale price is still really, really expensive. Who is going to pay for that?
It: Not my problem. You're the logic, I'm just the hormones and the emotions. Baby...baby...
Me: They don't stay babies, they grow up!
It: Don't you want a kid?
Me: They whine. Their idea of fine dining is Chuck E. Cheese. They throw screaming fits in the most inconvenient places possible. They wake up at 4:30 in the morning for no reason at all whatsoever! And then they're teenagers.
It: They're hilarious. Wasn't your boyfriend's nephew hilarious this afternoon, flipping through his children's Bible and "reading" it?: "God, Jesus, Jesus, God...Jesus, God, Jesus, God...rock, God"? Don't you think it's great that they get so excited about the tiniest things? And you get to go to petting zoos and ride carousels and do all sorts of other things that are still really fun but kind of creepy and/or strange to do if you don't have a kid as an excuse.
Me: Yeah...but I'd have to discipline the kid, and pay for the kid, and get up when the kid gets up at 4:30 in the morning and accidentally locks himself in the bathroom. And think of all the things I do now that I wouldn't be able to do anymore. I really like beer. And riding my bike by myself. And sleeping past 9:00.
It: But it would be fun!
Me: But it would be hard!
It: But it would be rewarding!
Me: But I'm not ready!
It: But I'M ready!
Me: I know! But I don't know why you are!!! Shut up!
It: Baby.
Me: No.
It. Baby!
Me: No!
It: Babybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby.
Me: [head in bathroom cabinet, triple-checking that I still have several years of birth control pills, considering the advisability of swallowing two every day just to be on the safe side.]

What is with the biological clock? Does everyone feel this way? Is it something that just happens around the age of 25? I've been vaguely aware of it for some time now, but in the past year or so it has been getting harder and harder to ignore. Penn has been teasing me lately, saying I have babies on the brain, and I try to deny it but it's true. It doesn't help that so many of my friends are pregnant right now (seriously, at least once a week when I check Facebook someone has posted belly or sonogram or newborn pictures). And Penn's sister and her two kids came to visit us this weekend and I thought that having them here would be sort of a pain and would be a wake-up call as to exactly how annoying it can be to have kids around 24/7, but no. It didn't work. Her kids were well-behaved and cute as hell, even the 4 year-old who was previously known as "The Terror." Sure, they had a few moments where I was secretly thankful that they're not mine and I didn't have to actually be responsible for taking care of them. For instance, they really did get up at 4:30 this morning and I was really grateful that I wasn't the one who had to drag myself out of bed and get them cereal and cartoons (I don't think they normally get up at 4:30, they're visiting from Europe and jet lag has them a bit confused...at least, I hope for Penn's sister's sake that they don't usually get up at 4:30 in the morning). Also, I can't say it's exactly enjoyable when you're trying to walk and every five feet someone wants to remind you of how much their feet hurt.
But then they do such funny and cute things that it's really, really hard to remind myself of all the reasons why I don't want one yet. Yesterday we were walking up to the capitol building and The Terror announced, "That's where Uncle 'Bama's works!" I died laughing. He's consistent, too. We saw the president on TV when we were eating dinner later and he said, "Look, it's Uncle 'Bama!" So apparently The Terror thinks the president is called Uncle 'Bama. I asked his mother why he was calling him Uncle 'Bama, and she has no idea, she said that's just what he has always called him since he became aware that Obama exists. I can't stop laughing every time I think about it, mainly because I wonder which of these two scenarios is true:
A) He thinks that Uncle is a name, so it's just a coincidence that several of the men in his family, including Uncle Penn, have the same name as the president of the United States.
B) He knows what "Uncle" means and realizes that he has several uncles, one of whom happens to be our nation's leader.
Truthfully, it's probably neither of those things and he has never even thought about what "Uncle" might mean, it's just a sound you make sometimes when referring to some people. Still, Penn and I got a big kick out of that. Uncle Dan, Uncle Penn, Uncle 'Bama...
So, yeah. I had a lot of fun with the kids and although it should have been really effective birth control, it wasn't. Someone still needs to punch me in the ovaries and tell them to settle down. I DO want kids eventually, I just don't want them now. Seriously. My brain tells me all the time that I am completely not ready. I'm not married (in fact, Penn will probably read this and freak out. Don't worry!! My logic is much stronger than my bio clock, I promise! And I'm not ready either!), I'm not at a point in my life where it makes sense to have a baby (actually, I'm not sure that point exists in anyone's life, but whatever), I don't have the money or the space or the time or the willingness to give up all the alone time I have with Penn. Basically, it's something I look forward to doing in the future but am not fully ready to do right now. There are parts of me that do feel ready, though, which I guess is reassuring. I didn't know if I'd ever get to the point where being pregnant didn't feel like a disaster, and I can now say that it wouldn't be a disaster if it happened. It wouldn't be great, but much worse things could happen. So that's good. It's just that there are so many other things I want to do first.

And now I'm going to knock on every wooden surface in the house in hopes that I didn't just jinx us.

Also, maybe we need a puppy! (I'm kidding, I'm kidding.)