The Wheels on the Bus, the Gears in my Head

Updates from my bus ride:

Who buys flowers from the guys that sell them on street corners? I've never once seen someone roll down their window and buy a rose, but people must once in a while or else why do the flower sellers continue to keep trying?

I've been on a doctor appointment kick lately. I'm not sure what possessed me; something about the combination of a new year and the fact that I actually have spare money to spend on co pays right now. That, and all the health insurance hoopla made me realize I should probably use mine since I do have it. So first I went to the eye doctor to get a new prescription for my contact lenses and it turns out my eyesight has somehow improved since the last time I went a couple of years ago. I didn't know that was possible, but it has improved enough that I don't think it's just a fluke from changing doctors and measurement equipment. So that was weird. Then I went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning and found out I need at least a filling and more likely a root canal. I find it bizarre that it's possible to have a tooth decayed to the point it needs a root canal and not to be feeling any pain at all whatsoever, but the dentist showed me my x ray so I believe him. And I've learned my lesson: even if your mouth feels just dandy, it's probably not wise to put off going to the dentist for five years. I knew it had been a couple of years, but then I thought back and realized that the last time I had any dental work done was the summer after I graduated from college, and although I can't quite figure out how I frittered away five years of life so damn fast, that was in 2005. So, yeah. Going to get a root canal on Tuesday and then planning to get back in the habit of visiting the dentist at least annually. Since I was already on a roll with all the medical appointments I also scheduled my annual gyno appointment. It was my first time going to this practice and I liked the doctor I saw a lot, although they had the most intense medical history form I've ever seen. I had to log in and fill it out online a few days before my appointment and it took half an hour to fill out. At one point there was a page that said something like "Please check if you have experienced any of the following" and it began like this:
Adoption
Accident

And because it was written that way I did a double-take and thought "Is this form asking me whether I was adopted or an accident?!" Then I read further down the form and realized it was asking me if I was adopted or had ever been in a serious accident, which makes a lot more sense. I mean, I realize that something like 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, but there's no reason all those unplanned people should know that about themselves and have to admit it on medical forms.

Penn and I are both on a mission to get into the best shape possible before wedding time next year. I know his sister is on the same mission. Something about knowing that there are going to be so many pictures taken that day really does inspire a certain fanaticism about wanting to be in shape. That, and it recently dawned on me that if attempting to get pregnant is in the relatively near future then this really is the last chance to see what my current body can be before I go and change it. I think I can manage to have a good body post-pregnancy, too, but I know it's going to be different. Anyway, Penn is doing really well and its inspiring me. I've been very good about entering my calories consumed in the Sparkpeople tracker and I'm still not denying myself any food (when I want sweets I eat sweets) but I'm trying to make healthier choices and workout a little harder on days after I've gone over my recommended calorie goal. Skiing most weeks lately has helped, too, since I burn literally 1,000 calories every time we ski. I also finally bought a scale, something I'd never owned before. I never had one before because I worried I'd get obsessive about it, but I've been very good about only weighing in once a week. I began my mission just after Christmas, and as of Monday I'd lost five pounds. That's about a pound a week, which is just right. I honestly don't know if I can lose more than that and maintain it. It would be nice to lose five more pounds and be at my "dream" weight (a weight I think I was last at before I discovered beer), but I don't know if that's actually a sustainable weight for my frame and I don't want to have to work too hard. That, and I'm never really sure what's fat and what's muscle, so I don't want to get too crazy about the scale number because what if the only reason I'm losing weight right now is because I'm losing muscle mass from not having been on my bike in a couple of months? Anyway, the only reason I wrote this paragraph in the first place was to complain about the fact that I'm pretty sure all five of the pounds I lost came out of my already A cup breasts. Why is the only fat anyone likes always the first to melt away?

Double the Fun

Nicole and I went to that bridal expo today. In the end, we opted mostly to make fun of it, although I did get some useful vendor info and we thoroughly enjoyed the part that involved sampling wedding cakes and we got to discuss every dress's pros and cons during the fashion show (Next time you see me, ask me to walk like a fashion show bride. It's RIDICULOUS.)

I'm so glad I have friends to wedding plan with. The timing of my engagement was serendipitous, actually. My friend Jen got engaged in July (you may remember I was at the proposal!) and is getting married in August. Then Nicole got engaged in October and is planning a wedding for this upcoming October. And then Penn and I got engaged in November and are planning a wedding for January. It's really fun having them both as my "engagement buddies." Jen lives on the opposite coast (boo!) but she is several months ahead of me in the whole planning process so whenever she calls me I grill her about how her planning is going so I can figure out what is coming up soon for me. And having Nic right here is great because we can share tips on where to get good discounts on vendors in town and on the web and I can drag her to things like the bridal expo.
Nic and I have even started thinking about doing some of our pre-wedding events together. We have a bunch of mutual friends who will be invited to both weddings so we're thinking of doing a joint bachelorette party for all of our friends here, for instance. I think it's awesome having a good friend who is engaged at the same time I am and cool that we're doing some of our planning together, but it seems to be confusing other people. At the expo today we kept walking up to booths and inevitably the vendor would say, "Who is the bride-to-be?!" and one of us would say, "We both are," and the vendor skeptically would say, "Really? Both of you?" I think they thought one of us was probably lying. I guess most brides don't like hanging out with other brides? I mean, is it that rare for two people in the same social circle to be engaged at the same time? Maybe it is, but in our case it just worked out that way. And we have just the right degree of friendship, too. If we weren't very close then we wouldn't be doing any planning together in the first place, and if we were extra-super-close I think maybe I would have hinted to Penn not to propose so close after she got engaged (for instance, had my sister gotten engaged before I did I think I would have felt obligated to wait a while before getting engaged myself so as not to steal her thunder). But as it is, it worked out perfectly. We get to share the fun and frustrations of the Bride-to-Be title but I don't feel like she's in any way stealing my spotlight (and I am pretty positive she doesn't feel like I'm stealing hers).
I suppose I can see people thinking it's strange that we're considering doing a joint bachelorette party or maybe even a joint bridal shower (should someone in our department suggest throwing a casual one, which seems possible considering how often they like to have baby showers), but I don't mind sharing the limelight at events like that and its just easier with our overlapping guest lists. And there are still plenty of things that will be separate: the weddings themselves, for one, since their wedding is two and a half months before ours and halfway across the country and the styles we're trying to create are pretty different. And I'm hoping to do a different bachelorette get-together with my wedding party and my closest friends from out of town just before the wedding, anyway. I was thinking of going low-key for that (something more like lunch and spa treatments as opposed to shots and giant slices of street pizza) so it might be fun to do something a bit more rowdy with Nic and our local girlfriends (and friends near enough to drive into town for the night) well before either of our weddings.

So yeah, I don't think it's weird or detracting from my own "special bride" feeling to want to share some of the pre-wedding parties with Nicole. I think that takes some of the pressure off of both of us! Plus I think our friends will be grateful that they don't have to clutter their calendars with multiple events for both weddings. This just seems easier and more fun all around! And it's nice for our fiances to get together and groan about wedding stuff, too. We all get along great and I hope that they'll stay in the area and we'll remain good friends long after all this wedding party planning is behind us. I think it will be fun to look back years from now and remember 2010, when we were all planning our weddings.

The Plan

I'm feeling sick today. Blah. It has been a very long time since I had a cold, and because I got sick this week--the first week in months when I haven't consistently been able to get 7-9 hours of sleep most nights--I have to admit that getting enough sleep clearly does affect my immune system. The upside of feeling sick right now is that I didn't really have plans for the weekend anyway. My engagement buddy Nicole and I are going to a bridal show on Sunday, but I should be feeling okay by then I think. (We haven't decided yet whether we're going there to mock it or whether we're going in the hopes that it will actually be useful. I think we'll just have to play it by ear and decide when we get there.) I have most of today to just chill out, though, and all day tomorrow to relax. Penn is going to be out of town all weekend helping one of his friends back home with a big home improvement project, so I'll be here by myself with my library books and a Netflixed copy of the latest Harry Potter movie (Penn and I took different flights to and from Europe and on one of those flights he got to see it without me, so I rearranged the Netflix queue so I could watch it this weekend. I love Netflix.).

I've given myself permission not to do any research or writing this weekend since I just came off of three straight weeks of work. I'm so very glad I took that class. It was grueling to be back in class after so many months of not taking one, especially since the class met every day Monday-Thursday, but I feel like I accomplished so much. First of all, I finally wrote the book review that you may recall was on my list of things to do last year. I've sent it off to one of my professors to review and then I'm going to submit it to the journal editor. As long as it's fit for publication--and, even as critical as I am of my own writing, I think it is--it will be published in the December issue! That's exciting. I've always wanted to have something published, and even though this is just a book review and not a book or even an article, it counts. I'm looking forward to the day I can type my name into the journal database on the library website and something pops up. My article itself is not completed, but I got a really good start on it and working on it gave me some good ideas for my dissertation so it was a useful exercise even if I never do end up working it into something to submit for publication (although I'd like to do that, too, eventually).

The class was good because it lit a fire under me and made me excited about my research again. I'd sort of lost my way on my project over the past couple of months. Now, however, I feel like I have some good ideas and an interesting direction in which to go. It's just a matter of making a plan and trying my hardest to stick to it. For the most part, I like the academic lifestyle. I like that I get paid to read and write. I genuinely get excited about research and, although when I'm writing I sometimes feel nothing but frustration, the "Now that is clever!" feeling I get when I occasionally write a really good sentence or paragraph is always worth it. There is one major problem with this job, though, and it's that I always, ALWAYS feel like I should be working. The guilt almost never goes away. While I love my extremely flexible schedule and will be sad to give it up if and when I have to, I'm also envious of people who go to work 9-5 and then just come home and get to relax (or maybe not relax, but run errands or whatever) knowing that their job for that day is finished. No matter what I am doing, no matter where I am, my job is not finished. I can finish individual projects, and that's always a great feeling and gives me a temporary sense of accomplishment. But as soon as I finish one thing there's something else I should be doing. Case in point: I finished my class and I finished my book review, but now I have fellowship and grant application deadlines looming and I told my advisor I'd get him a prospectus draft two weeks from today. As long as I am a student or a professor, this is what my life will be. There will always be articles to write and books to work on. Even if I end up at a job where a research agenda isn't emphasized, I imagine my life will pretty much always include lesson planning and grading. So, while I'm okay with dropping the work to spend time with Penn or friends or just to relax and read magazines for a while, it would be nice to get the nagging "But what about work?" feeling out of my head entirely.

So my plan this semester is to try to enforce an actual work week. I managed to do a lot during my comprehensive exams because I would close myself in my home office every day and work. Yes, I still spent some time fooling around on the internet, but mostly I worked well in there. Since I have the office, I'm going to use it. My plan is to get up when Penn gets up in the morning (around 7:30) and then work out and then spend the rest of the normal work day in my office. I realize I'm still going to have to be very flexible. I think I'm going to lose Monday afternoons to my baby-sitting job and I need to go to campus a couple of times a week to do my TA stuff, but I think if I can make a good effort to work while Penn is at work then I can relax in the evenings and on weekends knowing that I honestly have been working hard and doing the best I can. Even if I can work on the dissertation for a solid, uninterrupted three or four hours a day that's more than I'm doing right now. It's worth a shot. And if I want any chance of finishing this degree sometime in 2011 (my goal) then I need to try something to improve my self-discipline.

For now, I'm going to take more cold medicine and then take a nap, I think. All this work talk has worn me out.

Hi.

I didn't mean for the first two weeks of the new year to go by without an entry, but things have gotten very busy around here. It feels like Penn and I are playing a game called Create Your Life.Except that it's not a game, it's real. We're making all of these decisions that we're going to have to live with (or, in some cases, hoping to live with) for the next, oh, I don't know, five years to FOREVER. Needless to say, those decisions take a lot of time and energy.
For instance, we've started to look for a wedding venue. You'd think this wouldn't be a big deal and, in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But at the same time, I only want to get married this one time so I don't want to mess it up. And I know logically that I can't mess it up. As long as we're married that's what matters, and who really cares what happens at the party. At the same time, though, it would be nice if I could spend the rest of my life looking back fondly on my wedding and not regretting that I did A, B, and C (or didn't do A, B, or C). I know there's no guarantee that it won't somehow turn into a disastrous debacle anyway, but I do feel like I can at least plan things to go a certain way that we'd like and then hope that everyone else goes along with the plan and gets along and has fun and all the other things I think we'd all like for our wedding day. Anyway, this all means that I have to really think about my ideal wedding, and since this is something I honestly never thought much about, it's kind of hard to suddenly decide if I'm a ballroom person or a historic inn person or whether I want classic or quirky or even daytime or evening (although I think we have at least decided daytime for that last one). Anyway, I'm certainly not complaining about having to make these decisions because although it takes up a lot of time it's also really fun. I'm also really lucky to have a dad who wants to throw a big, cool party so I have the freedom to make these decisions in the first place, which is great. I just never really realized exactly how many decisions there were going to be, and making them add up to a cohesive party with some sort of design is definitely a challenge! Just to reiterate, though, not complaining!! There's nothing more fun than reading wedding design blogs and legitimately being able to call it research.
As an offshoot to the wedding venue search we also decided it was time to go back to our church search. We both want a church wedding, and it would be even better if the church was already our home congregation, so we're trying to find a place where we can attend regularly until and after our wedding. Two weeks ago when we went out looking for a church we couldn't find one. I don't mean that in some metaphorical way, I mean that we had google mapped directions to two churches and then we ended up not being able to find either of them! So we gave up and drove around looking at houses for sale instead. But last weekend we had much better luck. We visited a church that we both liked. It had a good amount of people at the service, the pastor was friendly and has a sense of humor (that goes a long way with me), and they have an active Sunday school with a lot of kids (which doesn't matter at the moment, of course, but hopefully will in the future). It struck me as a fairly liberal, friendly place with enough technology as part of the service to show that they're willing to embrace the future without, like, using electric guitars or hiring a lighting designer (which is fine if that's your style but it's definitely not mine). It's a Methodist church, which has enough singing and pomp and circumstances ritual to make me happy but not so much that it makes Penn uncomfortable (I was raised Lutheran, where there is a lot of ritual-I always called it Catholic lite-and Penn isn't a fan of too much symbolism in his church services but I love it so we have to find a compromise). Anyway, I have been doing a lot of research on the Methodists and I feel comfortable enough with it to try it out. My main criteria is that we go with something mainline Protestant. I just can't handle evangelicalism (is that a word?). The whole "born again" thing just does not sit well with me, nor does the overzealousness and hypocrisy I've noticed in so much of the evangelical community. Not that I am bashing the evangelicals and fundamentalists. I have friends and future family members I like and respect very much who hold those ideals. I've just been very soured on the movement as a whole, though (Did I ever mention the time a Fundamentalist Baptist chased me down the street in college shouting "God is gonna get ya!" or the time I was told I was going to hell because I was wearing a Halloween costume?). On the whole I'm sure many evangelicals are quite sane and rational and many mainliners are Bible thumping nut jobs. But on the whole mainline Protestants strike me as more tolerant and accepting and rational, and that's what I need in a church. I want an open-minded, open-hearted community of people who like to talk about how we can use our faith in God to help the world, not how we should use it to make ourselves feel guilty or condemn others who don't share our beliefs. A major plus would be finding a group of people who can take lessons from the Bible without taking it literally, something else I think i'm more likely to find with the mainliners. So, yeah, that's what I'm hoping to find, and I hope when we go back to church again this week I'm not disappointed. By the way, a church member delivered a homemade loaf of banana bread to our house on Wednesday as a thank you for visiting the church on Sunday. What a great recruiting tool! If I hadn't already decided to go back next week I think we would have to anyway after that. I mean, you can't eat their bread and then never show up again! Sneaky Methodists.
Anyway, the other big thing I sort of alluded to above is house hunting. We're sort of hung up on the loan approval process right now for various stupid reasons I don't have the time or desire to go into here (why can't there just be a database with all of your credit and banking info filed electronically under your social security number?) but we're going to try to get approved for a loan next week and then see how things go from there. It's possible we won't find anything we like and I am sort of dreading being house poor for a while (having to spend all our extra income on home improvement) but mostly I am excited about this, too.
Oh, and did I mention. I have a thirty page article due next week and my prospectus due two weeks after that? So my apologies if I drop off the internet again for a while. I always have another random update to give eventually!

So This is 2010

The new decade is off to a decent start. I broke one of my cardinal rules of life, though, which is not to start the new year with a hangover. I was just having so much fun at the party we attended that I kept letting friends hand me Jello shots and after a while I sort of forgot that Jello shots contain alcohol. So, yeah, in retrospect, half a dozen of those wasn't a fantastic idea. I'm not exactly a spry 22 year-old used to drinking four nights a week anymore. Having said that, I did have a really good time ringing in the new year so I can't really complain.
We're on our way home from the shore right now, where we drove out for a quick overnight trip to visit Penn's dad. That means we're officially done with all of this year's obligatory holiday visits (some of which feel a bit more obligatory than others, I have to admit...I get along with everyone in Penn's family so far but some of them wear on him a bit so I can't help but pick up on that...seems like that's the norm in most families, I've just been lucky that my own family visits have always been stress-free, I guess.) Anyway, now that the new year has started and my couple of months of traveling are over I'm actually excited to get back into a routine. I'm ready to start my winter class on Monday. I'm not looking forward to it, exactly, but I'm ready. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not working hard enough, and that's how I've been feeling lately. So now I can start working on an article or two and then I'm hoping the momentum will force me to finish my prospectus before spring. I'm also jumping hardcore into wedding planning. I have twenty venues on a spreadsheet and I am calling to set up tours and check availability starting on Monday.
I have a lot to work on, but I'm ready to get back to it. The late fall and Christmas season were a really nice hiatus from normal life, but i'm ready to get back to my normal routine.

2009 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I did a lot in 2009 that I'd never done before. Every year there are so many new experiences. Obviously the biggest is that I got engaged in 2009. I've certainly never done that before! I also took an official university-reimbursed business trip, traveled to Russia, brought my boyfriend home for Christmas with my family, and became a PhD candidate. All of those were pretty big firsts.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Every year I read this question and I'm like, "Wait, what were my resolutions again?" Looking back on last year's resolutions, I was pretty successful. I said I wanted to cook more, and I actually did! I now cook dinner--a real dinner, from a recipe--two or three nights a week. With leftovers, eating out or having Penn grill once or twice a week, and the fact that sometimes we genuinely prefer to have crackers and cheese for dinner, that's enough for us. The best part is I actually feel like I've become a fairly capable cook and I'm starting to really enjoy it. If I come home stressed, it feels good to go into the kitchen and cook something. Who knew?!
The second part of my resolution was to pass my comprehensive exams and write my prospectus. I give myself a "B" on that resolution. I passed comps and advanced to candidacy, and I've started writing my prospectus but I haven't finished it.
My resolution for 2010 is very simple: focus on what is important. There are so many things I want to do in 2010. I want to make significant progress on my dissertation. I want to move somewhere that makes me as happy as my current home does but has more space. I want to teach my own course. I want to plan a beautiful, fun wedding. I'm not going to lie, it's a little overwhelming. So my goal for this year is to constantly remind myself to put things in perspective. At the end of 2010, all that really matters is that Penn and I are together and supporting each other.
It's funny how the engagement caused this major shift in my mental state. I've always known how much I love and value Penn, but the engagement has brought us to this next level and made me realize that for the rest of my life he has to come first: before my career, before my family back home, before my friends, before absolutely everything other than maybe our future children (and even then I think maybe my marriage still needs to hold the most privileged position). I think that's the only way a marriage will work for life. I have to always put him first, and he has to always put me first (Don't worry, I didn't suddenly turn into one of those "everything for my man" women! I'm only comfortable with this because I know he is equally committed to putting me first in his life). Anyway, my point in making this resolution is to remind myself that my relationship and my future marriage is what matters from here on out. Everything else is just details that either support or detract from our relationship. I think it's going to be important to remember that, especially as we go through major changes together.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Oh yeah. 2009 was definitely a year of babies. Cas (my friend from high school), my college roommate and my cousin who lives nearby were the people closest to me who had babies. I actually sent them gifts and talked to them about the experience and went to their baby showers/baby naming ceremonies. Although about ten people I now keep in touch with mostly via Facebook had babies this year, too. Seriously, at least TEN.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I'm not sure how to answer this question. As you know from reading this, my college roommate's son died in October of SIDS. He was 2 months old. So while he wasn't close to me (I never even got to meet him) his death had a huge effect on someone who is close to me. I've mentioned before that I feel weird writing about it here because it's not my loss and I hate when people take someone else's tragedy and make it all about them. But I do have to say that going to stay with my friend just after her baby died was very hard and heartbreaking. Not to mention it brought all this other information about her life to the surface and I completely wasn't prepared to deal with any of it. I'm still scared for her whenever she crosses my mind (often), and I still feel hopelessly inadequate to help her deal with the loss of her son on top of all the other challenges she's facing in her life, but I'm trying to be hopeful. I talked to her yesterday and it sounds like things are better at the moment, although I'm anticipating a lot of ups and downs still to go. If anyone deserves a clean slate and a new start in the new year, it's her. I hope she gets it.

5. What countries did you visit?
Russia, the United Kingdom (England and Scotland), the Netherlands, Canada and, for about five hours, Germany. It was a really great year for travel! And that's not even including all the domestic travel I did this year: Maine, Florida, my home state a couple of times, Washington...

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Honestly, nothing. Nothing important, anyway. I mean, I'd like a new watch and a printer and some little material things, but I have all the big things I want. I have an almost-husband, enough money to be satisfied, a more-or-less stable job, a roof over my head, cuddly pets, a family that loves me. Once again, can I just ask for a repeat of this year?

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

That's so easy. November 21, 2009, the day Penn asked me to marry him and I said yes. I can't imagine ever forgetting that afternoon. Although I had a ton of other great memories this year, I have to admit that, as cheesy as it sounds, everything else pales in comparison.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Definitely passing my comprehensive exams. Those things were a beast, but I conquered them. Now I just need to get back to working diligently so I can finish up this degree. Now that I'm a candidate the end is frustratingly, tantalizingly in sight. I feel like I've gotten past all of the major hurdles, so now it's time to just get writing on my book!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not continuing the momentum I had at the beginning of the semester. I worked so diligently on my exams and felt really enthusiastic about my dissertation topic. Then I got distracted by my Europe travel and that momentum completely fizzled away. I have done some small necessary projects since late October, and I've done a lot of work on various things tangentially related to my degree, but very little progress has been made on my actual dissertation. I'm hoping that I will be able to kickstart myself by taking a winter term class that will force me to go back to work.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not really. My dermatologist removed a freaky looking mole in the summer, but it ended up being non-cancerous, just freaky looking (hooray!). I haven't even really been sick this year, just very minor colds here and there, nothing that sent me to bed or made me miss work. Lucky.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I think the best thing I spent my money on was my trip to Russia. I almost didn't take the class because the trip cost $800 that I definitely didn't have at the time, but my dad lent me the money and I paid him back over the course of a few months and it was definitely worth it. Going to Russia is something I probably never would have gotten around to doing had I not taken the class, and it was a great experience. I'm hard pressed to think of anything else major I bought this year, actually. Most of the other things/experiences I really loved this year were things I was given (my ring, of course, my opera trip to Seattle with my grandparents, my recent trip to Europe which was paid for by the school, my bike...)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I was very proud of my brother when he graduated from college in May. That was a great trip, too, flying down to see him graduate and then going fishing in Florida.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I have a cousin who is making some extremely idiotic life choices (choices that landed him in jail for the last three months, for example). He lives far away and I don't have to hear about him often so it's not like his problems are a huge presence in my life. But every time I do hear about him I just want to find him, smack him on the head, and ask him why he's screwing up his life so badly.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, as usual.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?
All of my vacations, although of course the most exciting thing was getting engaged and then telling the story to everyone who would listen (this survey is going to be a bit of a broken record again this year; sorry!)

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Say Hey (I Love You) by Michael Franti & Spearhead. Penn introduced me to Spearhead in the spring and I listened to the CD he made for me nonstop for a few weeks in May and pretty often after that. Just recently I started hearing this song in stores and restaurants, and while I'm excited that Spearhead is finally getting deserved attention, I'm also a little bummed because it was more fun when I felt like this was a song just for me and Penn.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A. Happier or sadder?
I'm feeling pretty much exactly the same at the end of 2009 as I was at the end of 2008, which is to say I'm extremely happy and content with the way my life is going. I just keep trying to stay in the moment and be grateful for all that I have going for me right now.
B. Thinner or fatter?
I'd say I'm still more or less the same as I was at this time last year, although I'm embarking on a mission to tone up a little bit more before I shop for my wedding dress in a few months (which of course means I'll have to then maintain my weight for nine months or so, but, whatever, details, details...)[Incidentally, it still feels very strange to refer to "my wedding dress"!]
C. Richer or poorer?
I'm doing so much better financially this year than I was at this time last year. As predicted, sharing rent with someone definitely helps! While two can't live quite as cheaply as one, I've managed to save much more money this year than I did last year. Also, we're down to just one car now which has saved money on transportation costs. And I got another (small) raise when I passed my candidacy exams and I'm an SAT tutor and I baby-sit for my friend's son on the side now, so all in all I'm in a much more comfortable place in terms of money than I was last year.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I'd done more dissertation research so I wasn't feeling so behind the curve now.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I am pretty sure I have said this before, but I wish I'd spent less time stressing out about THE FUTURE. So far everything has always managed to work out okay in the end, and in the rare instances in my life when things temporarily weren't okay, it's not like worrying about it ahead of time would have made things better anyway! And I don't want to give the impression that I'm a total ball-of-stress basketcase all the time, because I'm definitely not. I'm not exactly mellow, but I don't think you'd call me high strung and I don't think I'm in danger of causing myself a heart attack or anything. It's just that in slow moments I tend to think too much about all the unknowns in my life, and I wish I had done less of that because planning is good but worrying is pointless.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Penn and I spent our first Christmas together. He came to my hometown with me. It was great! We spent 10 days stuffing ourselves with delicious food and drinks (some of which my parents made, some of which came from all of my favorite restaurants he had to try). We went up to my family's vacation house and went skiing (I really, really missed being up there so it was great to go back, if only for a night). On Christmas Eve we had fondue and on Christmas Day we ate cinnamon rolls and walked the dogs on the golf course and had a turkey dinner and I conducted the "How Many Times Will Grandpa Cuss Today?" bet. And I got some very nice presents and was really happy with the things I gave to other people.
Actually, it dawned on me this year that my family's Christmas traditions have gradually become very secular. We used to do church-y stuff like the Christmas pageant and the Christmas cantata, but even when I was a little kid we never went to church on Christmas Eve or Day, and now that I'm an adult and my parents have stopped going to church regularly, there's pretty much nothing at all religious about my Christmas except some of the carols that I like. I still think we have the main point of Christmas right: surrounding yourself with people you love and spending time together. However, I'm going to have to start developing my own Christmas traditions pretty soon (because as much as I'd love to go home every Christmas I don't think that's in the cards), so I'm thinking maybe I should add at least one religious event in the future.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
We're going into the city to have dinner with Nicole and her fiance (did I mention that Nicole got engaged three weeks before I did? It's very fun having an engagement buddy), and then we're all going to a house party. The party is hosted by a couple who are friends of Nicole's boyfriend, and I don't really know them well because we've only met once. I hope it's fun and not awkward. I did get a new dress for Christmas that I'm planning to wear even though there's currently two inches of snow on the ground and it's supposed to sleet tonight. Also, tomorrow I'm making currywurst. Did you know it's a tradition to eat pork and sauerkraut for good luck on New Year's Day? Apparently it's a Yankee thing. Anyway, Penn enjoys the tradition and I have to admit it trumps black-eyed peas.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Not newly, but I love Penn more all the time.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. And may the answer to this question always be none from now on!

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
30 Rock, definitely. I've also been watching a lot of TV shows on Netflix. Penn and I spent the first half of the year working our way through The Sopranos, and now we're onto Big Love (which I think is great, even though I have to refer to it as "Tank Smash" to get Penn to watch it with me because he thinks the name is gay). I also watched a ton of Friday Night Lights back when I was working on comps, and I surprised myself by really enjoying it.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate at this time last year?
Honestly, I'm pretty sure I don't hate anyone. I don't hate anyone that I know, anyway. I'm better at hating abstract ideas of people, like the guy that say "Git 'er done!" and drives a giant truck and shoots things and hates "the gays" and "the liberals" and only drinks domestic beer and pretends to be all conservative and religious when really he's a racist with some kind of sick sexual fetish. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'd hate that guy if I knew him personally, but I don't.

26. What was the best book that you've read?
One of my big accomplishments this year was that I started reading novels again (mostly because I finished coursework and finally have time to read novels again). Because I'm just now getting back to reading novels, my favorite books this year were all things that the rest of the world read years ago. My top-rated books this year were What is the What by Dave Eggers, Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Spearhead and Otis Taylor. I need to listen to more music; the only things I know about now are the things Penn tells me about. I'm definitely more of a talk radio person.

28. What did you want that you also ended up getting?
I wanted to finish my comps and advance to candidacy, and I did! I also wanted to get engaged to Penn, although that was definitely more of a surprise than something I planned and executed.

29. What did you want that you did not end up getting?

It would have been nice to have a finished prospectus, but that's okay. It will be finished in 2010!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Uh...did The Hangover come out this year? I'm pretty sure that was my favorite movie of this year. Honestly, I haven't watched very many movies in the past year. I saw that one, the Dan Brown/Tom Hanks one (what the heck was that one called?), Zombieland, the one where Johnny Depp played John Dillinger, and I think that's about it. The cost of going to the movies isn't usually justifiable for me. I'd rather spend that money on a meal at a restaurant and I'd rather snuggle on the couch and watch TV shows and old movies that I've rented from Netflix, so that's what I do.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 27 this year and once again my birthday fell at a strange, busy time right as Penn and I were preparing to leave for Europe. Still, Penn made sure I had a good birthday. He took me to my first professional hockey game the week before, which was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time. On my actual birthday Penn and I both played hooky from work and went biking in City A and went to a museum and then to a book signing. (Actually, at the museum that day Penn got a mysterious phone call that turned out to be the jeweler telling him my engagement ring was ready to be picked up! Not that I knew that at the time, of course.) And then for my birthday dinner we went to this amazingly delicious Venezuelan restaurant. It was a great birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. I'm really, really happy right now and I can't think of anything else I need at this moment. There are things I want in the future, but nothing else that would have made this particular year any better. Sounds sappy and cheesy, but it's honestly the truth.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
I own fifteen pairs of jeans. That's how I'd describe it.

34. What kept you sane?
Curling up beside Penn every night and making to-do lists and spreadsheets every day. I also write in my journal, spend a good ten minutes every day laughing at my dog, and have friends and family I trust enough to call when I need them. That's my formula, and it's working quite well.

35. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I've become a big fan of the Colbert Report this year, although I wouldn't say I exactly "fancy" him.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I think I've been on vacation too much lately. I feel like I've completely turned off that portion of my brain. I honestly can't think of a single issue I cared about this year, although that can't possibly be true...Healthcare, I suppose.

37. Who did you miss?
I've been missing my parents and siblings a lot this year. Turns out I miss them more the older I get, not less. I'm not missing them enough to move home, though. I'm pretty sure that could never happen! I'll just have to figure out ways to get them to come out here more. Wedding planning is a good start.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I really need to get out more and make more of an effort to broaden my current social circle, I guess, because off the top of my head I can't think of anyone new I met this year! I mean, I met some people, but I didn't really get to know them. For instance, there are new people at school, but I don't really know them because I'm not in classes anymore. I am getting to know some of my local friends much better, though, and that has been a nice element of this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculous, but it seriously is a lesson I learned this year that I would like to remember: stick to the path and don't try to take shortcuts. And I don't mean that in some profound, deep way (although I suppose I still believe it in that sense, too), I mean it very literally. Penn and I had several instances this year on our bikes or in the truck where we thought we'd take a shortcut or, say, try to go back roads to avoid toll roads. Every single time we tried a shortcut or detour, it ended up being way more complicated and difficult than it would have been if we'd just stuck to the beaten path. So, seriously, stick to the path. Trying to take shortcuts will only mess you up in the long run. On a related note, we have learned that he is the driver and I'm the navigator. Reversing the jobs leads to us getting lost or making slow time or just both generally being annoyed. I'm glad we have figured this out. I imagine it's going to save us years and years of arguing.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Seems like everywhere I go,

The more I see, the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you."-Spearhead

A Merry Little Christmas

I had a great Christmas with my family, made even better by the fact that Penn was here with us so we could spend our first Christmas together.

We started a new family tradition: everyone put a dollar in a pool and placed bets on how many times Grandpa would say "whore" or some variation of "f*#k" while he was over here for Christmas dinner. So I spent the whole afternoon and evening with a notepad surreptitiously tallying every time Gramps said one or the other (and marking double points for the one time he referred to someone as an effin' whore and got both in one sentence!). The results were thrown off slightly by the fact that we spent the first hour he was here watching Curb Your Enthusiasum so he lost quite a bit of cussing time. Still, by the end of the night I'd tallied up 33 variations of the f-word and 10 "whores," which meant Dad won the bet with his guess of 45. Our plan is to not tell Grandpa about this game so we can continue to play at family gatherings from now on, because I'm pretty sure 45 will be nowhere near his record.

I'm thinking this game could be a big hit at the wedding rehearsal dinner. We'll make a big pool of all the guests and get a cousin to tally Grandpa's cursing as well as other family habits, like how many time's Penn's mother raises her eyebrows in shock/judgment (perhaps this will directly correlate to how many times Grandpa calls someone a whore), how many times my Dad says "sittin' there" when telling a story, etc. Start thinking of traits to add to the list of things to bet on, I think this is a brilliant iea.

Conversation

Me: We need to take that Dutch clock to get fixed so we can hang it up.

Penn: Yeah, we do.

Me: What do you call the people that do that? Clock masters?

Penn: Uh, no. Definitely not.

Me: Then what are they called?

Penn: Clock fix-it people...or...not. Probably not that.

(Clock repair. Turns out if you google it, the shops are just called "Clock and Watch Repair." Lame.)

Bizarre Reactions

My Favorite Reactions to Our Engagement Announcement (i.e. Things You Probably Shouldn't Say to People Making a Similar Announcement, Although They are Very Funny to Me)*

"Is she pregnant?" I'm going to go ahead and assume (hope) that this one was a joke and not serious. While I should probably have been insulted, I just think it's hilarious. And, in defense of this question, I'd guess that half the time when people get engaged it IS because they have a bun in the oven, so this reaction is probably pretty reasonable, actually.

"Oh, wow, I never thought you'd be the first to get married!" Um...thanks?

"Meh. Good job. You know I'm not good in these situations."

"Engaged? To the same girl you were with last time I visited you?" This from a person that visited us six months ago. Apparently he thought there was a possibility that Penn and I split up, I moved out, and he had a whirlwind new relationship that led to the quickest engagement ever.

"That's great! How exciting! What am I going to wear?" This one was from my sister. She has her priorities in order. Ha. In all fairness, I'll probably do the exact same thing to her when the tables are turned.

"That's wonderful! Tell Penn I want to do the bachelor party at Cheerleaders."

90% of people have had lovely, very positive reactions to our news. But it's the reactions like this that make life interesting, don't you think? And all of the above reactions were from people who are genuinely happy for us, too. Sometimes things just come out wrong!

The Calm Before the Storm

I feel like this month is the calm before the storm. There's really not much I can do this month. I am working on my dissertation prospectus, but since I don't have a full committee yet (long story) I won't defend it until the spring semester. That means there's really no rush to finish my prospectus until February. I'm working with some friends on a big project for the summer, a project that will allow us all to potentially make a little bit of money and get some great resume-building experience, but we haven't received the official go-ahead on that project yet, either. So, again, there are only limited steps I can take on that project for now. My parents and I are planning to talk about the wedding budget when Penn and I are home for Christmas, but since I don't have a budget yet that also limits what I can do wedding-wise. No point making a decision on a location only to find out I can't actually afford it.
As a result, this month has mostly been about making plans for a future that is going to get really crazy. When Penn and I come back after Christmas my plan is for us to spend the month of January looking at and booking a wedding location and firmly setting a date. I'm also planning to take a winter term class. When I finished coursework last spring I told myself I never wanted to take another class again, but this is a class on writing a publishable article and if I take it I'm pretty much guaranteed a publication. I just can't pass up that opportunity. The class is only three weeks long and only meets for a few hours Monday through Thursday, so I think I can handle it. After that I plan to really buckle down on the prospectus work and get that defended by March. Then it's research, research, and more research. Hopefully I'll be ready to start working on chapters by July. Meanwhile, I'll be working on that summer project with my friends and prepping to teach the summer school course I'm teaching in July and August. And somewhere in between all of that work I'll be planning the wedding.

On top of all of that, Penn and I keep going back and forth on the issue of buying a house, but we've once again picked up our research on that and we've started thinking that it really does make sense to buy if we can. We have the money to make a good down payment, and the great tax break for new homebuyers has been extended so we could still qualify for it as long as we close on a place by June. The main reason we'd been putting off buying is that Penn didn't feel like we could afford a big enough, nice enough place and we kept thinking that maybe in four or five years when I'm finished with school and Penn has completed his current promotion cycle we'll attempt to move somewhere with more affordable real estate (which would be pretty much anywhere other than New York City or California). But we both really like everything about living here other than the fact that a freakin' townhouse can sell for $500,000. Oh, and the traffic sometimes blows but I've pretty much come to terms with that. Everything else is great, and we're not eager to leave here. So why plan for a future that involves moving when we might be equally happy just staying here? Also, I think both of us were bummed that we can't afford our dream house here, but we weren't really considering the fact that there are very few twenty-somethings who CAN afford their dream house. We had a long talk the other day and came to terms with the idea that we were both hoping to be able to afford homes like the ones our parents live in now but conveniently forgetting the fact that our parents haven't always lived in their houses, either. It was only later in our lives that our parents moved into the houses they now live in. So we reconfigured our expectations, and that helped us a lot. The other thing is that we kept thinking, "We could buy, but what if something happens and we have to move?" Well, what if we do? People sell houses every day.So now we're thinking maybe we shouldn't waste the next five years paying rent when we could make an investment in a home and hope that prices will go up while we're in it. Barring some complete financial collapse and a coup that overthrows the entire federal government (always possible, I guess), Penn's job will stay stable and allow us to afford to stay in a house, and housing prices will hopefully only go up. I think buying a house is always a huge risk. There's always the chance that we could buy and then realize we hate the neighborhood, or not be able to sell when we want to and end up stuck somewhere we don't want to be. But I think we're weighing that risk well, and we did already take that home buying class over the summer so we have a better idea than many homebuyers about what we're getting ourselves into. I don't know what's going to happen. We may talk to the bank and find out that we don't qualify for a big enough loan to let us buy something we'd be happy with after all, in which case we'll put off buying for another year until I finish school and get a real job. But at any rate, right now we're thinking of house hunting this spring and maybe attempting to get out of our lease, which would definitely be another big project.

So, by my count that is three really major projects all at once: wedding planning, house hunting, and dissertation writing. Any sane person would probably want to do those things separately, but here we are, crazily thinking we're somehow going to do all three in the next 18 months or so, while also continuing to keep up with regular life. I know we can do it without losing our minds, but right now I feel like I'm standing on a shore watching big waves roll in and getting ready to hold my breath and dive in head-first. I know it's going to feel good and be wonderful and worth any stress we have to go through. Basically, the next two years are going to be a total whirlwind, but if everything goes well I'll emerge on the other side of the chaos with a husband and a doctorate and a house. It's going to be a major identity shift on so many levels, but I feel ready for it.

It's just going to take lots and lots of focusing on what is really important and ignoring everything else. And maybe taking up some relaxing yoga classes or something.